The Wenhe Chronicles
by Lolsnake9
Summary: A dramatized account of the incredible tale of the resourceful strategist Jia Xu. Based on a true story. Read: a bunch of various episodes on Jia Xu's life stringed together, retold through the mind of an immature, inept, and insane fangirl. You have been warned.
1. How It All Began

**The Wenhe Chronicles**

* * *

 _A dramatized account of the incredible tale of the resourceful strategist Jia Xu. Based on a true story. Read: a bunch of various episodes on Jia Xu's life stringed together, retold through the mind of an immature, inept, and insane fangirl. You have been warned._

* * *

 _Chapter 1: How It All Began_

* * *

 _So, the thing is, Jia Xu was born at the year 147, in a small village of Wuwei, located in the home of all Three Kingdoms fuck-ups: Liang Province. Surprisingly, Jia Xu was among the least problematic of those nutters, but we're not gonna talk about that._

 _Jia Xu was considered normal at his youth. However, there was one dude named Yan Zhong, who said:_

Yan Zhong: OY! YO GUYS! LOOK AT THIS! THIS IS THE SECOND GEN- ZHANG LIANG AND CHEN PING RIGHT HERE!

Young Jia Xu: (The hell is with this guy?)

 _…and the very same dude ended up being captured by some rebels during the Liang Rebellion for suggesting a coup to Huangfu Song. Anyway…_

 _During some time later, Jia Xu was recommended as a Filial and Incorrupt, which was the time's equivalent of being nominated for Academy Awards. He became a palace attendant, but due to sickness (or just wanting to 'screw it' looking at the chaotic mess of the court), he went home with a bunch of people as escort. On the way…_

Jia Xu: **whistles**

Di tribe: SURPRISE, MOTHAFUCKA!

Jia Xu and escorts: WAAAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, what's going on here?

Di tribe: Hah! Can it be any more obvious?!

Other Di tribe: We're going to rob you!

The escorts: Aaaaahhhh!

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, chill out. What's with all these robbing thing, huh? Do I look like a booty to you? Eh? Come on, I'm sure there's someone else you can rob-

Di tribe: Bah! Too many words! Cut 'em up, boys!

Jia Xu: Ey, ey, wait a minute!

Di tribe: Huh?

Jia Xu: So, umm…the deal here is that you cut me, and these guys with me up to get our treasures, right? Okay? But, umm…

Di tribe: …what?

Jia Xu: Ehhh….ummm….

The escorts: **whispering** You still thinking to save us?

Jia Xu: **whispering** I'm still thinking, idiot!

Di tribe: Well?!

Jia Xu: Eh, um, oh right! Look, you can cut me up if you want, but make sure you don't bury alongside these no-names. **pointing to the escorts**

Di tribe: Huh? Why's that?

Jia Xu: Because…you see, Duan Jiong is my grandfather, so he will pay even higher amount of money for my corpse rather than what you'll find at me.

Di tribe: WHAT?! Oh jeez…

Jia Xu: (Ahaha…got 'em)

The escorts: Master Jia Xu, we'll be safe, right?

Jia Xu: Eh….maybe. I don't know. (I mean, yes, I'm gonna live using Duan Jiong's name alone, but for you…)

Di tribe: You heard what he said, right?!

Other Di tribe: Yeah! Listen here guys, if we ever touch even the hair of Duan Jiong's grandson, he'll come and turn us to toast!

Di tribe: Yeah, yeah! Can't risk that!

Other Di tribe: Let's just carry him home, okay?

Di tribe: But what about those faceless escorts?

Other Di tribe: Well…since they seem to not be related to Duan Jiong as well, just kill 'em.

Di tribe: Good, good, good! So, ahem… **pointing at Jia Xu** You fellow right here, the only one with a unique face, we're gonna carry you home.

Jia Xu: Huh? You're not gonna chop me up after all?

Di tribe: No, because you're…ehh….

Other Di tribe: We just want to build a friendly relationship with Duan Jiong and his family! Hehehehehe….

Jia Xu: Oh, I see, then…

The escorts: Whoa, whoa, hold on there! What about us?!

Jia Xu: Eh?! Ummm…oh, right. I forgot about you guys. I'm sorry, but looks like you just got no famous relatives to save your pitiful asses. It's alright, it's not like the government has a shortage of guys like you anyway. Bye-bye.

The escorts: WHAT?! YOU BASTARD! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

 _...yeah. As you can see here, he was a bit of a douche. But he was a douche when he needed to be. so it's not like he-_

Jia Xu: Aw come on now, can you all really blame me?

 _Almost certainly not. Though really, that was one douchey move you made there. At least you could have-_

Jia Xu: Could have done what? Trying to save them? Come on man, I was just a normal, run-of-the-mill palace guy back then, still without all this ninja shit I acquired later.

 _Yes, yes, we understand your situation. But you know, sometimes when people look up your biography and then they come across this as literally the first notable thing you did, which surely cements your image as a douche in front of them._

Jia Xu: Well, so what? They want to view me as a douche? Let 'em be! In these shitty times, you have to be a shitty person sometimes. I don't give a fuck!

 _At least your dedication to your principle (or lack thereof) is admirable. Unfortunately, more shit will come in your way that will require some more of your douchiness._

Jia Xu: Ah, crap.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

I'M BACK! AGAIN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA- **smacked by Sima Yi** OW! Okay…let's just cut the pointless egocentric chitchat then…

So, ahem. The reason why I have been gone is that now I'm focusing on writing a novel, which is why I've become less interested in writing fanfics lately. I hope you understand.

As you can see here, each chapter here will be rather short as they're really only a bunch of vignettes (I hope I'm using that word right) of Jia Xu's life stringed together. His life was one of the most interesting stories of the Three Kingdoms, which is why I want more people to know about it. Though I sincerely hope you don't take everything I wrote here at face value. Please, don't. Read his actual sanguozhi biography and Rafe de Crespigny's works instead.

As always, please leave a review and have a good day!


	2. That Escalated Quickly

_Chapter 2: That Escalated Quickly_

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 _Okay, so continuing from the previous chapter, Jia Xu managed to go home while leaving those poor escorts to their deaths-_

Jia Xu: Oh goddammit! Would you please bringing that up?!

 _It's the truth. Now shut up while I continue. And then, he went back again to serve in the court, only for everything to go straight to hell when Emperor Ling died._

 ** _cue a massive riot and flames everywhere at Chang'an when He Jin gets assassinated by the eunuchs_**

Jia Xu: sitting casually while watching the whole thing Well…that escalated quickly.

 _But one mighty and heroic general came at the critical time, one who would again restore order to the empire with his blade of JUSTICE! And that general was?_

Dong Zhuo: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! MINE! MINE! ALL OF THIS IS MIIIINNNNEEEEEEEE! **casually slaughters here and there**

 _….yeah. The empire wasn't at Fortuna's best favor, but anyway!_

 _We all know how THAT went. Dong Zhuo 'rescued' the poor child emperor and essentially took control of the whole empire. Meanwhile, Jia Xu, who may or may not have been affiliated with Dong Zhuo previously received a promotion._

Jia Xu: ….hey! Why are you looking at me funny like that?!

 _Nothing. And so, Jia Xu became one of Dong Zhuo's advisors, and was probably the only sane man among his loyalists. Sometime later, he was transferred onto Dong Zhuo's son-in-law Niu Fu._

 _One day, Dong Zhuo sent Niu Fu's army for a 'rebel evacuation' in Yingchuan._

Li Jue: Ohoho! Hey pretty girl, you're all alone?

?: What the?! HEY! Get the hell away from me, you freak!

Li Jue: Ehhhh, why? I mean, hey, I have plenty of magic to keep you entertain-

?: **smacks Li Jue**

Li Jue: Ah…..HWAAAAAAHHH! **runs to Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Eh?! Whoa whoa, hey, the hell are you doing?!

Li Jue: That mean lady rejected me!

Jia Xu: What the….

?: Hmph!

Jia Xu: Uhh…right…but hey! There are more pretty ladies out there so don't beat yourself up over this one! Yeah…

 _And then they returned, and that's when shit got real._

Li Jue: Hey Niu Fu! We're back with booty and pretty ladi- AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Guo Si: Whoa, what happened? AAAAAAAHHHHH!

Fan Chou: He…he's dead!

Zhang Ji: You serious?!

Jia Xu: Dead? Whoa whoa…what happened?

 _I think we all know what happened. Dong Zhuo was assassinated and so was Niu Fu, and the five we've mentioned earlier started freaking out._

Li Jue: Ah, man! What should we do?!

Guo Si: I think we'd better not fuck around with Lu Bu. Perhaps if we send an amnesty, the will forgive us.

Fan Chou: Good idea! Besides, it's not like we've done anything wrong anyway…

Jia Xu: (You guys fuckin' serious? Sigh….eh, whatever.)

Zhang Ji: ….uhh…guys…

Li Jue: What?

Zhang Ji: Seems like we got no hope…I mean…even Cai Yong was executed for merely weeping at Dong Zhuo's funeral…

Everyone (except Jia Xu): **jawdrop** …AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Li Jue: NOOOOOOOOO! WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOMED!

Guo Si: WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAAAAAAAADDDDDD!

Fan Chou: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! HEEEEEELLLLLLLLP UUUUUSSSSSSSSS!

Zhang Ji: WE'LL GET WRECKED BY LU BUUUUUUUUUU!

Jia Xu: …..okay. That settles it.

The four: Eh?

Jia Xu: Listen, you guys gotta stop crying and running around like a little bitch.

Li Jue: But Lu Bu's gonna wreck our asses!

Jia Xu: Lu Bu? Seriously, I can't understand why you guys would get scared of a big dumb brute looking like a cockroach. Listen, if he's gonna wreck our asses, we're gonna wreck his ass back. But we're not gonna let him have the first move. Oh no. We will march towards Chang'an first to wreck his ass first and gain control of the empire.

The four: WHAAAAAATTTTTTT?! You….are you actually serious about this?!

Jia Xu: Hey, when was the last time I wasn't serious at anything?

The four: ….

Jia Xu: NEVER, THAT'S WHEN! Like, look, here's the deal: we will march towards Chang'an, and if we succeed, the empire is ours. If we screw up anyway, we can still escape!

The four: Uhhh…

Jia Xu: Or if you really want to get your asses wrecked by some cockroach, well, that's actually fine with me too.

The four: EH, NO, NO! WE GLADLY ACCEPT YOUR ADVICE!

Jia Xu: Heheh….alright then. Now we're talking.

 _And so they went to recruit armies as they went, until it reached a number of a hundred thousand. How, exactly did they achieve this large number, you may ask?_

Li Jue: **speaking in front of a megaphone** ATTENTION EVERYONE! I have received a grim premonition from the Heavens….THAT EVERYONE FROM LIANG PROVINCE WILL BE KILLED!

The citizens: GASP!

Li Jue: BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT! That bringer of apocalypse will come in a form OF A GIANT COCKROACH!

The citizens: GASP!

Li Jue: Yes….a giant, smelly, filthy, UGLY COCKROACH! AND HE WILL COME SOON!

The citizens: GASP! Is there a way to avoid this, o creepy wizard?

Li Jue: Yes, there is! I, and my other friends right here have been BLESSED by the HEAVENS themselves to fight against this creature! SO JOIN ME! JOIN ME, IN THIS FIGHT AGAINST THE HARBINGER OF APOCALYPSE! THE HEAVENLY FORCES SHALL PREVAIL!

The citizens: **cheers**

Guo Si: Hey, psst.

Jia Xu: What?

Guo Si: Don't you think this is a bit….familiar? I mean, it's kinda like that Yellow Turban guy, right?

Jia Xu: Eh, he managed to gain a large amount of followers through it, anyway, so we do the same. Whatever works best, really.

 _So, anyway, thanks to the power of bullshit, they marched towards Chang'an._

Lu Bu: **getting drunk**

A messenger: Sir, sir! Bad news!

Lu Bu: Bad news? What?

A messenger: Those guys under Niu Fu have retaliated!

Lu Bu: H-huh?! Wait, what?!

Li Jue: Surprise, BITCH!

Lu Bu: Grrrr…..ALRIGHT! YOU'VE MADE A BIG MISTAKE!

 _And so the armies fought. Unfortunately, the walls of the city were too sturdy for Li Jue and Guo Si's group to break._

A soldier: Sir, we've been fighting for days, and neither of us have gained an upper hand.

Lu Bu: Hmph! It's alright! They can't break through the gates anyway.

Li Meng and Wang Fang: Lol. **open gates**

 _Well, that was easy. Anyway, Li Jue and Guo Si's army entered Chang'an and used the opportunity to plunder everywhere. Then they came to fight Lu Bu and his army. I'm sure you all know what happened after this._

Lu Bu: GAAAAAHHHH! Tch…how could I be defeated by pitiful louts as you?!

Jia Xu: Pfft. Bitch. Think we're scared of a dumb cockroach like you?

Zhang Liao: My lord, I think we really should retreat.

Lu Bu: NO! HELL NO! HELL TO THE NO! I WILL RIP THEIR ASSES A NEW O-

Gao Shun: **restrains Lu Bu** My lord, it's useless.

Lu Bu: NO! NO! GAH!

Gao Shun: Let's just go somewhere else, okay? If you're a cockroach, these guys are FLIES. There's no use.

Lu Bu: YOU'RE CALLING ME A COCKROACH?!

Gao Shun: YIKES! Ehm, no!

Zhang Liao: By the way, we REALLY should go out of here. If we stayed longer, we'd be toast.

Lu Bu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jia Xu: Well, that's one pest taken care of. And now…

 _Then they headed towards the palace to confront the REAL mastermind behind the assassination: Wang Yun._

Wang Yun: Pardon me, but the way you were describing me makes me seems as if I was the villain in this whole situation!

 _From the point of view of Li Jue and Guo Si, yes. Now shut up while I continue the story. You're gonna die anyway._

Wang Yun: **sleeping**

A messenger: AAAAHHH! MASTER WANG YUN! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

Wang Yun: Grrrkkhhhhhgrmblgrmbl- Whoa, WHOA! What, what happened?!

A messenger: Li Jue and Guo Si came here!

Wang Yun: Oh, really? I guess I should be a courteous host and- WAIT WAIT WAIT, WHAT?!

 _Later…_

Wang Yun: You! Why the hell are you guys here?!

Li Jue: Why did you kill Dong Zhuo?!

Wang Yun: The fuck?! You are seriously asking WHY I killed Dong Zhuo?!

Guo Si: Of course! I mean, sure he was a greedy, smelly, ugly fat motherfucker, but he was loyal to His Majesty!

Wang Yun: Hey, look, why so much talk?! Let's settle this like a REAL MAN! **got a gout** AAAARRRGGHHHH!

Li Jue and Guo Si: **stare at each other awkwardly**

Wang Yun: Pant…pant…okay! Here I am, standing alone! Who wants to land a first strike, huh?! Come on, I'm ready anytime you wa- **gets decapitated by a flying scythe**

Li Jue and Guo Si: AAAHHH! ….. **widen eyes** …..what…was…that? **turns around to Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: **gets his boomerang-scythe back** ….what? I just finished the business.

Li Jue and Guo Si: …

 _And so that's how they gained control of the empire. Unfortunately, they weren't better than their late master and continued to run the empire to the ground anyway._

Jia Xu: …what? Are you guys gonna blame me for this?

 _Well, yeah, sorta. But hey! At least you actually tried to fix the damage they and Dong Zhuo did!_

Jia Xu: Good thing you remembered that.

 _Of course. Hey, if you actually hadn't done that, I would've pretty much hated you. So it's a good thing!_

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah. Sigh…what have I done wrong to deserve this anyway?

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

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Okay, so that's it. By the way I mostly draw this off history, but since Dynasty Warriors was based on the novel, some of the events I describe here were taken off the novel as well, so don't be surprised if some of the events here are different from history (such as Wang Yun's death – historically, Wang Yun was kept alive for some time before being executed by Li Jue and co., and he was certainly NOT decapitated by Jia Xu).

Needless to say, please leave a review and have a good day!


	3. Getting This Shit Running

_Chapter 3: Getting This Shit Running_

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 _So, we all know what happened, Li Jue and Guo Si took control of the empire, and the government's pretty much screwed at that time._

 _So screwed that….eh?_

 **cue the sight of the government in perfect working order**

 _Whoa, wait…what?_

Jia Xu: So you forgot what I did while these two loons were in control?

 _Oh. Right! Sorry! I forgot!_

Jia Xu: Hmph. It's alright. In fact, of people forget what I did, that's a good thing.

 _Ehh….right. But still! Ahem. So, after taking control of the Emperor, Li Jue and Guo Si wanted to reward Jia Xu for his advice for them._

Jia Xu: A marquis?

Li Jue: Yes! You surely deserve that reward for helping us taking control of the capital!

Guo Si: Uh-huh!

Jia Xu: Ehhh…erm…uh, no! There's no need for you to do that! I mean-

Fan Chou: Come ooonnn…accept it!

Jia Xu: No! I mean, uhm, this was to save our asses from some pathetic dumb cockroach, it's nothing great at all! I don't deserve a reward!

 _They kept pushing him again and again, until finally…_

Li Jue, Guo Si, and Fan Chou: PLEAAAAASSSEEEEE!

Jia Xu: Grrr….okay, THAT'S IT! **goes into Rage Mode**

The three: WAAAAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY GOTTA STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME A MARQUIS, OR I'M GONNA GO RAGE MUSOU AND SHOVE THOSE HOUSEHOLDS UP YOUR ASSES!

The three: AAAAAAHHHHH! Okay, okay, we'll stop!

Jia Xu: **reverts** Hmph. Now, if you would excuse me-

 _Unfortunately, they STILL wouldn't leave without rewarding Jia Xu with SOMETHING._

Jia Xu: Now what is this again? Supervisors of Masters of Writing?

Li Jue: Yes!

Guo Si: I mean, uhm…since you don't want all that fancy land…

Fan Chou: We thought we should reward you with something related to what you like!

Li Jue: Yeah! I mean, you're smart, and we thought we should give you 'smarty' position as well!

Jia Xu: Uhh…no.

Li Jue: But why?!

Jia Xu: I mean, look at it. This is the position that everyone looks up to and made their role model. At this point I'm pretty much known as 'that one dude who got these two shitheads into control of the empire', pretty much nothing worthy of mention! If I accepted this out of wanting glory and wealth alone, then the empire would be screwed!

Li Jue and Guo Si: Awww…that's too bad.

Li Jue: So what if we make you a Master of Writing instead? That good?

Jia Xu: Hmm…okay then. At least there's less work.

Li Jue and Guo Si: Okay then! Thank you so much Master Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Yes, yes. Now if you would excuse-

Li Jue: ….hey.

Guo Si: Wait a minute!

Li Jue and Guo Si: Were you calling us shitheads?!

Jia Xu: …. **surprised** …..uhhh….ummm…no!

Li Jue: Really?!

Jia Xu: Yeah, I mean, I was calling those Han loyalists shitheads! Not you two! Heheh…

Li Jue and Guo Si: ….. **face brighten up** okay then! Thank you again, Master Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah! Cut that out! God, having these two creepy-ass nutcases getting all close to me…it's supposed to be a good thing, but lord…at least their stupidity is useful.

 _And then Jia Xu did a surprising (for that time, anyway) thing: he actually tried to fix the damage done to the empire by his previous lord, Dong Zhuo._

Jia Xu: So, umm…is there a list for all officers that once worked here but got screwed over by Dong Zhuo?

A servant: Here, sir.

Jia Xu: Hmmm….

 _Later…_

Jia Xu: Lord Li Jue.

Li Jue: Oh? Ah! Master Jia Xu! Is there anything I can help you with?

Jia Xu: Here, I want you to employ all men listed here to the vacant offices.

Li Jue: Hm? Uhh…I'm sorry, but isn't this a list for all the old officers?

Jia Xu: You got a problem with that?

Li Jue: Eh, no! It's just that…well, I thought the people that are gonna fill these offices will be some new guys, not these old-timers-

Jia Xu: Old-timers or not, at least they know what they're actually doing. Or maybe you really do want to run this empire to the ground after all?

Li Jue: Eh, erm, no! NO! You misunderstood! Erm, okay! I'll employ all of them!

Jia Xu: Okay then. Heheh…man, this is easy. Too easy, perhaps.

 _And so that's how the empire prospered, through the few words of a shady, lazy, manipulative fucker!_

Jia Xu: Hey, seriously, I thought you're a fan of me!

 _Yes, so?_

Jia Xu: Then why do you keep calling me as if I'm the bad guys here?

 _Not really. But hey, that's the beautiful part about it! You were a shady, lazy, manipulative fucker, and yet you managed to do the empire some good!_

Jia Xu: Okay, I kinda appreciate that.

 _And besides, I thought you weren't all that concerned with people hating on you._

Jia Xu: Yes I am, but now I'm concerned because you're SUPPOSED to be an admirer of mine!

 _Well….to be honest, I admire you BECAUSE you're a shady, lazy, manipulative fucker. But enough of that. Besides, the fact that Li Jue, Guo Si, and Fan Chou respected you enough for them to practically obey every single word of yours is awesome!_

Jia Xu: Heh, I know. Kinda makes me wonder who is the lord of who here, but that's alright. Less work for me. But still, they always try to get up close to me, especially Li Jue and his creepy-ass pale wizard face, and I was always like, 'Bitch, get out the way!'

 _Hahahahahaha…poor you. You were practically babysitting them._

Jia Xu: Babysitting AN ENTIRE EMPIRE is more like it.

 _Oh well! Next time, we'll see how Jia Xu's babysitting essentially kept the dying empire running for next few years to come! Gee, seems like practically everyone in Dong Zhuo except for you were bunch of kids, eh…_

Jia Xu: What were you expecting from a fat, greedy, lazy, UGLY pig?

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

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Okay! That was it! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	4. Who Did It First?

_Chapter 4: Who Did It First?!_

* * *

 _And so, we all know that Jia Xu did all he could to at least maintain a dying empire running. Of course, with such nutheads as Li Jue, Guo Si, and Fan Chou, they often got into many petty and childish fights._

Jia Xu: **sipping tea** Huff…man, I'm sure getting old. And I got the fate of an entire freaking COUNTRY at my shoulders! It's a good thing I never truly became a fanatic like those Han 'loyali-

 _ ***BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM!***_

Jia Xu: **spits out tea** ….okay, what is it today?! **walks outside**

 _At the hall…_

Li Jue: Grrrhhh…okay, that's it! I'm gonna unleash my soldiers on you!

Guo Si: Are you actually fucking serious?! Well, don't expect me to just cower like a pussy!

Fan Chou: If that's the case, I'll obliterate you two dumbasses too!

The three: **continues fighting**

Jia Xu: **arrives** Okay, THAT'S IT!

The three: AAAHHHH! Master Jia Xu?!

Jia Xu: Sigh…this has been the FIFTH-FREAKING TIME! WHAT ARE YOU LOUTS ARGUING ABOUT, NOW?!

Li Jue: It was Guo Si!

Guo Si: What?!

Li Jue: Yeah! He said that I look like some creepy old ghost lady that usually kidnaps virgin men at mountains!

Jia Xu: (Well…that's actually the truth, but eh…)

Guo Si: Well, then you called me some big dumb evil overlord generic minion!

Fan Chou: And then you know what?! I actually tried to stop them from fighting but THEN they said that I don't even have a unique design yet!

Li Jue: That's because you're irrelevant! Just face it!

Fan Chou: Well, the reason why I was irrelevant was because you killed me just because you're jealous of me!

Guo Si: Jealous? BAH! The only thing even worth remembering of you was because how you got screwed over by your own friend!

The three: **continues fighting**

Jia Xu: Grmmmmhhhlll…SILENCE!

The three: AAAHHH! ….

Jia Xu: Sigh…. **facepalm** …fucking god, I honestly can't believe how I managed to put up this long with you guys. It's honestly a fucking miracle. Oh lord…seriously, how many times do I have to tell you, that infighting will only bring advantage to your enemies so that they can split you apart?!

The three: …um…

Jia Xu: I mean, look, we're here to serve the empire. When you guys can't even cooperate with each other, we're easily screwed!

The three: …we….we're sorry….

Jia Xu: Sigh…okay, who started this?

Li Jue: I said it before, it was Guo Si!

Guo Si: What?! Fuck no! It was you!

Li Jue: How the hell can you even point at me when YOU were the one who insulted me first?!

Guo Si: Dude, I was trying to help you! Let's face it; do you REALLY expect enemies to take you seriously when you look like a Disney villain?!

Li Jue: Your own look is silly, too! I mean, you look fatter than even Lord Dong Zhuo!

Fan Chou: Guys, GUYS, we're in front of Master Jia Xu, can't we just-

Li Jue and Guo Si: AND YOU! LOWLY GENERIC! YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO SPEAK

Fan Chou: What?! Grrrr…..OKAY, THAT'S IT! **punches Li Jue**

LI Jue: Motherfu- Oh, okay, you wanna make it like that?! TAKE THIS! **punches Guo Si**

Guo Si: OW! Grrr…ALRIGHT, IT'S ON!

The three: **continues fighting and punching each other**

Jia Xu: **slowly builds on rage** …..grrrrmmmmhhhhh…..THAT'S. FUCKING. ENOUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH! **enters Rage Mode**

The three: Eh, uh? **widens eyes** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: **suddenly wears his Modern Day Job DLC** Pant…pant…SERIOUSLY GUYS, THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING TIME I HAVE TO TELL YOU SHITHEADS TO STOP FIGHTING! OR MAYBE YOU WANNA SOME OF THIS?! **lets out a flaming whip**

The three: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! **bows repeatedly** YES, YES, YES, UNDERSTOOD MASTER JIA XU! WE'RE SORRY, VERY SORRY, TERRIBLY SORRY, SORRY SORRY SORRY!

Jia Xu: DO YOU PROMISE TO BE GOOD FROM NOW?!

The three: YES! YES! WE'LL BE GOOD BOYS! WE'LL BE GOOD BOYS! WE PROMISE! WE PROMISE!

Jia Xu: …. **calms down** Hmph. Okay, then. Good to hear. And now, I'd like to enjoy my morning tea. Don't disturb me.

The three: YES! YES!

Jia Xu: Sigh…am I really stuck with these guys? I'm so fucking tired of having to babysit those three, and yet I don't really want to betray them either. Huff…

 _And that's how Jia Xu always managed to keep those three from ending the empire prematurely._

Jia Xu: Trust me, handling those three was like babysitting 100 guys on sugar each equipped with a chainsaw.

 _I'm sure you're just exaggerating._

Jia Xu: It was the goddamn truth!

 _Oh well, never mind. You're gonna finally get away from them shortly anyway, so be patient, okay?_

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah. Seriously, I'm getting too old for this shit…

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! So first things first: Happy Valentine y'all! I hope you all have a sweet time with your loved ones, getting a girl/boyfriend, or even getting married! As for the ones who got rejected and/or still single, it's alright, I'm also lonely here D; Hey, perhaps we're really made for each other! *smack!*

Yeah, yeah…eh, I guess writing a fic about my beloved Jia Xu is enough Valentine for me.

Jia Xu: How the hell does that even make any sense?!

Eek! No, no! I'm sorry! Ahem, okay then, better not make this into an angst-filled rant, so I'll just cut it short. Please leave a review and have a good day!


	5. Ain't Gonna Get the Girl

_Chapter 5: Ain't Gonna Get the Girl_

* * *

 _At this point, you thought that Jia Xu's mighty commanding voice was enough to keep everything in bay, right? I mean, hey, there's no way those three buffoons would disrespect him!_

Jia Xu: To be fair, I technically was their subordinate, you know, so if they decided to not listen to me anymore…well, what could I do?

 _Nonsense!_

Jia Xu: Look, sure, I was able to keep them from further squabbling for a short time, but then everything just fell apart! Not even I could do any jack shit to fix the situation anymore!

 _Ehhh…right. Okay, so after the incident in the battle against Ma Teng and Han Sui (I won't cover that here to keep dragging this for too long), Li Jue killed Fan Chou. This caused Guo Si to become even more paranoid of him, and shit hit the fan when Guo Si's jealous wife attempted to break them up._

Li Jue: Hey! What do you mean by 'break US up'?

Guo Si: Yeah! That sounds really wrong!

 _Well, breaking you up in order to prevent Guo Si from hitting on one of Li Jue's maids, but whatever, the basic was same. She poisoned his food, Guo Si became suspicious at Li Jue, blah blah blah, and then they went to war._

 _Of course, poor Jia Xu also got caught in this whole situation. It was honestly an interesting scenario, but I'm not gonna cover it here._

Jia Xu: Huh?

 _Instead! There was this one tiny bit where Jia Xu actually did something nice for once!_

Jia Xu: Hey! What do you mean by that?!

 _Well, considering that you mostly did all you did only in order to save your own ass and such, but whatever! But first, let me ask a question: do you guys still remember this girl who smacked Li Jue back in chapter 2?_

?: Huh? Me?

 _Yes, you! So, even after telling him that no means NO, he STILL wanted to make her his wife anyway. He brought her along with other girls into the palace. For some reason, however, Jia Xu was suspicious of the girl._

Jia Xu: Hmmm….

?: …hey! Hello! What are you staring at?!

Jia Xu: Eh? Oh, I'm sorry, I mean…have we met before?

?: **makes a horrified face, then smacks Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: OW! HEY!

?: GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU SICK CREEPS! **runs away**

Jia Xu: What the- did she just seriously think I attempted to hit on her? Huff…but still…that face…there's no way a normal village girl looks like that! And the way she's so frantic in getting away from them- well, okay, I guess ANYONE would get frantic in getting away from someone like Li Jue, but I know that movement is different….

 _Finally, Jia Xu went through the imperial documents and **gasp** , FOUND A **WORLD-SHATTERING SECRET ABOUT THE GIRL!**_

Jia Xu: …Lady Tang? **lightning background**

 _Yep, it turned out that the girl was actually the favored concubine of the former emperor, Liu Bian a.k.a Emperor Shao. No one figured out her identity at the time she was captured by Li Jue and co., but no secret can last forever from Jia Xu. Of course, with that top-secret information in hand, Jia Xu HAD to do something._

Jia Xu: …heh…heheheheh…...

 _The next day…._

Li Jue: Hey, hey, Master Jia Xu! You know what?

Jia Xu: What?

Li Jue: You remember that girl who smacked me that one day?

Jia Xu: Uhh…yeah?

Li Jue: I'm gonna try to hit on her again today!

Jia Xu: What? Oh my god, you just don't know how to quit, do you?

Li Jue: Hahaha! Well damn no, sire! I'm gonna get what I want! Okay, I'm off! Have a good day!

Jia Xu: Uhhh…right….okay, to be honest, it's probably for the best of him, anyway…yeah….

 _Later…._

 _ **"WHAAAAAAATTTTT?!"**_

Li Jue: WHAT THE?! WAIT, WHAT?!

Guo Si: Whoa, whoa, what happened?

Li Jue: She….she's gone!

Guo Si: Gone? But how?

Li Jue: I DON'T KNOW! I SWORE I SAW HER IN PRISON YESTERDAY! And….WAAAAHHHH!

Guo Si: Whoa, whoa.

Li Jue: Waaahhhh….but I have already prepared this special dinner just for the two of us! WAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: **passes by** Oh, whoa, what's with him?

Guo Si: Eh? Well….the girl that he has already prepared a very special dinner for is gone.

Jia Xu: Eh?! Erm…gone?

Li Jue: Ah? WAAAAHHHH, MASTER JIA XU! **hugs Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: What the- HEY, WHOA! GET OFF ME! GAH!

Li Jue: Waahhh…can you believe it, Master Jia Xu?! Like, seriously, literally a day after I saw her, she disappeared! How can this happen?! Why can't I get my love?!

Jia Xu: (To be honest I wouldn't blame her for trying to get the hell away from you, but obviously I wouldn't tell you in your face…) Well…hey, what can we do?

Li Jue: Sob…by the way, you wouldn't happen to know her whereabouts, would you?

Jia Xu: Ehh?! Um, ehh…ahem, well, no! Of course not! Hehehehe…why would I know? Erm…

Li Jue: I see…sigh… **walks away**

Guo Si: Hey, so what about that dinner?

Li Jue: Eh, you can have them for yourself. There's no way I could finish that. You, on the other hand, seem to have a plenty of room in your stomach to store all that food…

Guo Si: Well gee, thanks! …..HEY! **chases Li Jue**

Li Jue: Huh? Wai- AAAAAHHHH! **runs**

Jia Xu: …..whew! Man, good thing they didn't figure out what happened…I would be cut into mincemeat…erm….

 _So, what did Jia Xu actually do? In that case, let's step a day back, the same day when he figured out the girl's identity!_

Jia Xu: **enters the Emperor's room**

Emperor Xian: Huh? WAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: Your Majesty.

Emperor Xian: Wait, what, why are you here?! What do you want?!

Jia Xu: Uh, hey, calm down-

Emperor Xian: Li Jue sent you here to do something to me, right?! Please, tell him I'll give him anything he wants- ANYTHING. Just spare my pitiful life, please!

Jia Xu: ….I'm not here to kill you.

Emperor Xian: Eh? You're not?

Jia Xu: Yeah. I wasn't even here on his orders. No, I'm here to tell you something.

Emperor Xian: What is it?

Jia Xu: **whisper whisper**

Emperor Xian: …. **widens eyes** You serious?!

Jia Xu: Pssstt…lower your voice!

Emperor Xian: Um, okay, but seriously?! She's here?!

Jia Xu: Yes! And if you're not gonna do something immediately, just imagine Li Jue's clawey hands on her!

Emperor Xian: Aaaahhh! Do not want! Uhm, okay, I'll order her release immediately.

Jia Xu: Okay, I guess we're done here.

Emperor Xian: Yes! Uhm…hey!

Jia Xu: Huh?

Emperor Xian: Thank….thank you!

Jia Xu: Ahaha…no need to. It's just my job.

 _And so, Lady Tang was released and given an estate and servants befitting the concubine of a former emperor, and also made the Queen of Hongnong. No one knows what she did afterwards, but at least she was safe from Li Jue's nasty clutches for eternity._

Jia Xu: She'd been through a lot, you know. I just did whatever I thought was the right thing to do at the time.

 _Aww, that's so sweet of you. But still, the thought of Li Jue being cockblocked by his own adviser still cracks me up sometimes._

Jia Xu: I may be a subordinate of Li Jue, technically speaking, but I still did my best to serve the Han as well. I just couldn't bear Li Jue forcibly taking a former emperor's consort. Just, ew.

 _Yeah, yeah, good for you. But still, that doesn't change the fact that you often acted out of pure pragmatism, which makes you seem like a jackass sometimes._

Jia Xu: **shrugs** Well, I said it before, and I'll say it again: What could I do? I just couldn't help it, being involuntarily sucked into a shitty position!

 _Okay, okay, we understand. Let's just stay patient, okay? The best part is about to come soon._

Jia Xu: I hope.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay, then! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	6. Well, Screw This

_Chapter 6: Well, Screw This_

* * *

 _Okay, and now we're going to the fun part: the conflict between Li Jue and Guo Si! So, after so many times of quarreling and suspecting each other, they raised their armies. Li Jue decided to make the first move by bringing the Emperor and Empress hostages._

Emperor Xian: AAAHHH! No, don't do this!

Li Jue: Stop chattering! Hey, I'm protecting you from that monstrous meatball, you know, so you should be thankful! There! Get your pitiful asses inside that carriage!

Emperor Xian and Empress Fu: AAAAAHHHH!

Li Jue: Whew! Okay, all is good, now I'll just have to-

Jia Xu: Hey.

Li Jue: AAAAHHH! Oh, hey, um, Master Jia Xu! It's, uhhh…it's surprising to see you here!

Jia Xu: Surprising? Now THAT'S surprising to hear from you.

Li Jue: Yeah, I mean, um, hey, can I have some help here?

Jia Xu: ….wait a minute…why is the Emperor's carriage here?

Li Jue: Eh, uhm, well, the Emperor and the Empress wanted a walk, and that's why I need your help here! Uh, hehe, um, you know, since I'm so busy and all that, I want you to accompany them so they won't be alone! They like you anyway, so, hehe, yeah!

Jia Xu: Uhhh….

Emperor Xian and Empress Fu: **screams muffled 'HELP!' from inside the carriage**

Jia Xu: ….no. You can't be serious.

Li Jue: Uhhh…what?

Jia Xu: Are you seriously holding them hostage?

Li Jue: AH! Eh, ummm…yeah. Anything wrong with that?

Jia Xu: What! How could you even do such a thing?! Look, we're here to serve the empire and bring right to it, and hell, you think I came up with that plan that ended up sacrificing thousand innocents just so that you guys can screw around and everything up?! You should-

Li Jue: Sigh…. **holds a knife to Jia Xu's throat**

Jia Xu: Gakh-!

Li Jue: Huff…you know what Master Jia Xu, it's true that you've always been a great help to us, and I have always appreciated it. I have always respected you. But…you are, technically, MY subordinate. There are times to give me advice, but now is NOT. I will get the Emperor away from here to protect him from that rebel Guo Si, and you will come with ME. You are to obey MY orders….understood?

Jia Xu: Gulp….okay. Huff…

Li Jue: Hmph. Okay, now let's get going.

Jia Xu: Yes….(….fuck.)

Zhang Xiu: Um, hey, Master Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: What? WHOA! Who are you?!

Zhang Xiu: What?! Come on, you don't know? It's me, Zhang Xiu!

Jia Xu: Oh…right. I think it's about time you show up anyway. What are you doing here?

Zhang Xiu: Well, I was passing through when I heard you with Li Jue. Sir, if you don't like it here then why don't you just leave?

Jia Xu: Huff…indeed, I don't like serving him. It sucks. But…I just can't leave this empire alone with either of those two nutcases in charge. I have to do something. Sure, if you wanna leave, then go ahead.

Zhang Xiu: Oh, okay. Hey, if you decide to leave, I'm always open for you.

Jia Xu: Got it.

 _And then Li Jue and Guo Si fought for about 6 months, when Li Jue brought in troops from the Qiang tribe and other barbarians. The Emperor, worried by this, summoned Jia Xu for help._

Jia Xu: (Huff….this battle's been going on for months…and neither has gained an upper hand. And Li Jue even brought in troops from those barbarians! I wonder if the Emperor is alright…)

Liu Ai: Um, Master Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: Hm? What?

Liu Ai: Here, you know those barbarians Li Jue brought in?

Jia Xu: Yeah?

Liu Ai: Here, His Majesty is worried that they might do something. Because you've always been loyal to His Majesty and favored by him, you have drive these people away.

Jia Xu: ….ahahahahaha….wow, that's kinda brave of you. I mean, you outright asked ME, a trusted adviser of his, to essentially screw him over?

Liu Ai: Y-yes, but hey! We all know you hate serving him anyway, and since he trusts you so much, he wouldn't suspect you of doing this to him!

Jia Xu: Hmm…well, I suppose you're right. It's about time I get out of this mess, anyway. Fine, tell His Majesty I'll be there right away.

 _Later…_

Emperor Xian: …what?! You serious, Jia Xu?!

Jia Xu: Of course.

Emperor Xian: But all of this takes too much from the imperial treasury…

Jia Xu: Oh well, it will be worth it! Just trust me on this, okay?

Emperor Xian: Uhmm…okay…

 _Later…._

The barbarians: Helloooo! Is the Son of Heaven here? Hmm…what is this? Now this is strange, the gates are now open even though they weren't before…helloooo! Anyone here? Gah, this door! HEY! If you don't answer we'll smash through this door! …okay, that's it! **smashes through door** huff…huff…now, why is it all dark here? Hello?

 **lights on**

Jia Xu: SURPRISE!

The barbarians: E-ehh?! Wait, what?

Jia Xu: Ah, so you gentlemen have arrived here at last. Come on in, we have a special feast just for you!

The barbarians: B-but but, General Li-

Jia Xu: No need to worry much! Just eat all you want here!

The barbarians: B-but! Hmm…oh well, okay then!

 _Sometime later…_

The barbarians: WHOOOOHH! MAAAAAN, THAT ROCKS!

Jia Xu: So how was it, gentlemen? Was it to your liking?

The barbarians: Oh, of course! Of course! We couldn't thank you enough!

Jia Xu: Ahaha…it's alright. Look, the Emperor did this because he knows that you are all righteous people who do your best to serve the empire. When you come back, he'll certainly give you prizes.

The barbarians: Whoa! Thank you!

Jia Xu: Don't mention it.

 _Later…_

Jia Xu: Well, we all hope you safe journey back home. Peace off!

The barbarians: Yo! Thank you for everything!

 _Later…_

Li Jue: …whoa whoa, wait a minute, why are you guys going back?

The barbarians: Oh, so there you are! You promised us some fine prizes and pretty ladies, but it was all bullshit!

Li Jue: Wait, what?!

The barbarians: Like seriously, the Emperor just gave us a massive feast and promised us gifts. We don't want to do any harm to him anymore.

Li Jue: B-but, but-

The barbarians: Enough! We won't take any orders from you anymore.

Li Jue: W-what the- GAH! DAMN YOU!

 _Inside…_

Emperor Xian: **makes a 'So, how was it?' face**

Jia Xu: **thumbs up**

 _And so, Li Jue became weakened thanks to being screwed over by his own trusted adviser. Anyway, the battle went on and on, and one day Li Jue captured a bunch of Han ministers._

Li Jue: Haha! Prepare to meet your doom!

Jia Xu: Huh? Hey, stop it!

The ministers: **look at Jia Xu with a surprised face**

Li Jue: What?

Jia Xu: What are you doing?

Li Jue: Can't you see? I'm about to kill these fools.

Jia Xu: What? How can you do such a thing?

Li Jue: Huh?

Jia Xu: These are all loyal ministers of the Emperor. How can you harm them?

Li Jue: Hrmh…. **stares**

Jia Xu: **stares**

The ministers: **sweating**

LI Jue: **stares again**

Jia Xu: **stares again**

Li Jue: …..FINE! Release them!

The ministers: Huh?

Li Jue: Hmph…for some reason, I'm awfully tired today… **turns around to the ministers** THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

The ministers: AAAHH!

Li Jue: I've already released you! Piss off! Gah! **goes inside**

The ministers: ….. **immediately bows down to Jia Xu** Sir, you are our lord and savior!

Jia Xu: Sshhh, ssshhh, calm down. Li Jue can hear us!

The ministers: But we're truly thankful! I mean, you're with Li Jue, and yet-

Jia Xu: Yes, yes, you know what, forget about it. Just go safely back home to the Emperor before anybody gets suspicious.

The ministers: But, sir, truly, how could you even persuade Li Jue like tha-

Jia Xu: I said, FORGET ABOUT IT.

The ministers: Yikes. Okay. **went away**

Jia Xu: ….huff. Man, it's been a while since I used THAT, and now I'm worn up as hell using it. Oh well, worth it.

 _Then, the battle basically went on and on and on and ON, the Emperor was essentially being volleyballed back and forth between Li Jue and Guo Si, and everybody was suffering. But everything changed when Cao Cao attacked._

Cao Cao: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! SLAY 'EM ALL, BOYS!

 **cue massive slaughtering by Cao Cao and his army**

Li Jue and Guo Si: **widen eyes and jawdrop** DAFUQ?!

Jia Xu: ….whoa. That's HARDCORE.

 _Needless to say, everything went to heaven quickly. Cao Cao managed to hand Li Jue and Guo Si's asses on a silver platter, served cold, rescue the Emperor and saved the day! **cheers**_

 _And what became of Jia Xu, you ask?_

Li Jue: GAH! Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Seriously! How come I could even lose to- huh? What's this? A note?

 _To Li Jue and Guo Si_

 _So, several days ago you got your asses kicked by Cao Cao. I'm sure you two are thinking about how you can somehow get into power again, but let me get this clear for both of you:_

 _It's useless._

 _No seriously, it's useless. No matter what are you gonna do, he WILL kick your asses again back into this place. No, perhaps even worse._

 _Now, I'm sure you are wondering as to why I had to give my advice on a piece of paper. The thing is, I know you two would chop my head off immediately if I ever said that._

 _And therefore, I also know that you two will never stop in trying to fight him back. So, in order to save my ass a lot of trouble for having to tag along with you in your plans, I quitted._

 _I have no purpose here anymore. I was here solely to serve the empire and keep His Majesty safe from your shenanigans. Now that he's safe under Cao Cao, I'm done with you guys._

 _You suck. There, I said it._

 _But hey, at least I was still kind enough to give you one last advice before leaving, yes? This way, no one had to be hurt._

 _Sincerely, thank you AND fuck you for all the shit you've given me._

 _Jia Xu_

Li Jue: … **silently cries**

 _The thing was Jia Xu later went to Duan Wei (DEFINITELY NOT DIAN WEI!). Duan Wei treated him nicely at first, but…_

Jia Xu: **passes through Duan Wei's army**

Duan Wei's Army: **immediately went heart-eyed** AAAHHHH! IT'S JIA XU!

Jia Xu: Ugh…what the…

Duan Wei's Soldier: Oh my god, Jia Xu is just so cool, don't you think?

Another Soldier: Yeah! I really love him! If he was a girl I'd totally hit her, even if he would just cut my throat with that scythe! Oh wait, I think I totally wouldn't mind dying that way!

Yet Another Soldier: I know right! Oh, I feel I could faint from just looking at his hair!

Duan Wei's Army: WE LOVE YOU, LORD JIA XU!

Jia Xu: What the fuck?! GAH, get away from me! Aaaahhh! Shoo, SHOO! Why are all these soldiers following me?!

Duan Wei: **squints** Hmmm….

 _Later..._

Jia Xu: So, um, Lord Duan Wei-

Duan Wei: Yes...? **releases menacing aura**

Jia Xu: Uh, ummm...

Duan Wei: What is it...?

Jia Xu: Errmmm...nothing! **runs away**

 _One day..._

Jia Xu: ...

Duan Wei: Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: Oh, Lord Duan Wei. What is it?

Duan Wei: Are you hungry?

Jia Xu: Uhhh...not particularly, but-

Duan Wei: Well, good for you. Here, I brought you a bowl of noodles.

Jia Xu: Oh! Ehehe, that's so kind of you! Eh...uh?

Duan Wei: What's wrong? You won't eat it?

Jia Xu: Uhh...no, it's just that, it kinda smells like... **widens eyes** poison?

Duan Wei: What did you say?

Jia Xu: Eh, erm, no! Haha, hahaha...actually I'm not hungry, sir, tru-

Duan Wei: Oh, really? You sure you can resist this noodles?

Jia Xu: Err...actually sir, I have to go take a piss. **runs away** ...pant, pant, pant, PANT, PANT. FUCK. Does he truly want to kill me?

Duan Wei: ...now that's weird. Nobody could resist my noodles before. Did I do it wrong? **sniffs** GAH! What is this smell? ...what! Who the hell left these anchovies here?!

 _After several days…_

Jia Xu: **packs things up**

Duan Wei's Soldier: Huh? Hey! Lord Jia Xu, where are you going?! **holds Jia Xu's arm**

Jia Xu: GAH! Don't touch me! …well, I'm leaving.

Another Soldier: Huh?! But why?!

Yet Another Soldier: Yeah! I mean, Lord Duan Wei has treated you well. Why are you leaving?

Jia Xu: Well, indeed, it's true that he's been kind to me. But…it's because of YOU guys that he became suspicious of me, thinking that I want to usurp his position. If I stay here for too long, he will make plans against me. Rather, if I leave now, he will be happy and take care of my family. This way, the safety of both me and my family will be guaranteed. Zhang Xiu has no strategist, and will be glad to receive me. Besides, I can't take any of your stupid fanboying anymore.

Duan Wei's Soldier: But we don't want you to leave!

Another Soldier: Yeah! Please stay!

Yet Another Soldier: We like you better than Duan Wei! Please!

Jia Xu: Grrr… **takes out his scythe** Look, if you guys are not gonna stop that stupid gushing, I'm gonna cut your fucking throats.

The three soldiers: **widen eyes**

Duan Wei's Soldier: …OKAY, I'M THE FIRST ONE TO DIE BY HIS SCYTHE!

Another Soldier: YOU IDIOT! I'LL BE FIRST!

Yet Another Soldier: PLEASE! KILL ME FIRST!

The three soldiers: **continue fighting**

Jia Xu: **widen eyes** ….well, you know what, fuck it. **leaves**

 _And so, Jia Xu went to Zhang Xiu at Wan Castle, and Duan Wei did indeed take care of Jia Xu's family._

Zhang Xiu: AH! MASTER JIA XU! **runs and hugs Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Oof! Hey!

Zhang Xiu: Oh, I'm so glad to have you here!

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah, but yeesh! That was just so sudden!

Zhang Xiu: Hahaha, sorry, sorry. But that's just because I was so overjoyed to have you here! You're like my father!

Jia Xu: Father? Errr…

Zhang Xiu: Yeah! ….can I call you 'daddy'?

Jia Xu: What?!

Zhang Xiu: 'Daddy'! You know, since you're like my father-

Jia Xu: Well, fuck no! First of all, it sounds stupid and childish. And second, if it doesn't sound stupid and childish, it sounds- ….tch, you know what, FORGET IT! I'm not even your father anyway! **storms off**

Zhang Xiu: But, wait! ….wait, what does it sound if it's not stupid and childish?

 _Later on, Jia Xu also advised Zhang Xiu to ally with Liu Biao. He was invited by Liu Biao, and when he returned…_

Zhang Xiu: So? How's the interview?

Jia Xu: Meh… **shrugs** it was so-so.

Zhang Xiu: So? How's Liu Biao like?

Jia Xu: Well, for one thing, he does great at times of peace, really. But he's indecisive and can't see great things. He won't gain any real success. It's alright. We won't be allying for too long with him anyway. As soon as a stronger force presents itself, we can move immediately to that one.

Zhang Xiu: Oh…hm? Hey, what's that?

Jia Xu: Huh? …..oh shit.

 _Yeah…so you see, Jia Xu really doesn't have quite a reputation for his loyalty._

Jia Xu: I only serve lords whom I see fit. Like, if I stayed too long with just one of them for the sake of 'loyalty', I would get screwed easily.

 _I know. Hey, it was actually a smart move by you. Good for you. Oh, and since what comes after this will be your usual first appearance in the games, you should be excited!_

Jia Xu: Oh, right. Excited. Yay.

 _But really, it's kinda unfair, don't you think? Six chapters and Koei really only bothers to cover the seventh chapter onward of your life for the games. Shame that your adventures pre-Wei always get the short end of the stick…_

Jia Xu: Well, it's all to save time and money. Besides, I don't think everyone would want to see ME that much in action, when all they want to see are pretty boys. Old cranks like me are forgotten and pushed aside.

 _I know. A pity. Oh well, a man can dream. Anyway, so what approached Zhang Xiu and Jia Xu? Will they be able to fight back? Or surrender? Find out next time on Dragon Ba-_

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Whew! This gotta be the longest chapter yet, usually the length of the chapters I usually do, with me cramping all those together…oh well. Please leave a review and have a good day!


	7. Villain, I Have Done Thy Aunt

_Chapter 7: Villain, I Have Done Thy Aunt_

* * *

 _Well, it turned out that the one that was approaching them was no other than Cao Cao._

Cao Cao: Ahem! Yoo-hoo! Anyone here? I am Cao Cao, coming here to take this place in the name of the Emperor! Surrender, or….

Jia Xu: Speak of the devil.

Zhang Xiu: W-what the?! How the hell can we even face an army THAT size?!

Jia Xu: ….

Zhang Xiu: Master Jia Xu! What can we do?!

Jia Xu: …sigh…nothing.

Zhang Xiu: Nothing?!

Jia Xu: Yeah. I mean, look at that. Even if we used like Rage Musou a hundred times, there's NO way we would win against THAT. The least we can do, of course, is to surrender unconditionally.

Zhang Xiu: S-surrender?! You serious?! I mean, I've only JUST gotten this territory and now I have to give it to someone else?!

Jia Xu: **shrugs** I don't know. Sucks to be a minor warlord like you, it seems.

Cao Cao: OY! What are you guys dilly-dallying in there?! If I don't receive a response in 5 seconds I wull break through!

Zhang Xiu: Gah! Eh, erm, okay, OKAY! I'LL SURRENDER!

Cao Cao: …..huh.

Xiahou Dun: Well that was kinda fast, don't you think?

Cao Cao: Eh, saved me the hard work. And besides they wouldn't dare to plan anything shady against me, anyway.

 _And so you all know how it went, Zhang Xiu surrendered to Cao Cao almost immediately._

Cao Cao: So, this is legit?

Zhang Xiu: Yes!

Cao Cao: Hm, alright then. I mean, it's really surprising that you just immediately surrendered, like you didn't even try to fight.

Jia Xu: Because we know that your forces are too much to handle.

Cao Cao: Haha, I see. Okay, then. Let's throw up a party in celebration!

Everyone: YOOO!

 _And so Zhang Xiu gave banquets to Cao Cao every day. Zhang Xiu treated Cao Cao courteously at first, until things start going downhill at one day._

Zhang Xiu: Welcome, sir!

Cao Cao: Ah, thank you very much!

Jia Xu: You seem to be in a…happier mood, than usual.

Cao Cao: Ah yes, indeed….whoa!

Zhang Xiu: It's tasty, isn't it? **drinks wine**

Cao Cao: Of course, of course! It's as tasty as your aunt's **bleep** last night.

Jia Xu: **thunder background with a 70s shoujo manga shocked face**

Zhang Xiu: **spits wine to Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: **upset** …..is there a problem?

Zhang Xiu: What…what…did you….say?

Jia Xu: Oh god…

Cao Cao: Oh, right. About that. I forgot to tell you that I checked your recently widowed aunt yesterday. I'll tell you, she's a bomb! Your late uncle must've been really lucky.

Zhang Xiu: Grrrmmmhhh…..

Jia Xu: Uh, ahem, General, stay calm, okay. We wouldn't want a problem here.

Zhang Xiu: That…bastard….grrrhhh….

Cao Cao: By the way, is something wrong with him?

Jia Xu: Eh, urm, oh! Of course not! Hehehe….he's probably just mad at that wine he just spitted on your face. What a waste of perfectly good wine!

Cao Cao: Huh, okay. I really hope that he isn't mad at me or something like that, because if that's the case I will certainly kill him.

Jia Xu: Oh! No! No! Certainly not! Why would he be ever mad at you? Eh, ummm…

Zhang Xiu: **became even redder with anger**

Jia Xu: …by the way, I need to go to calm him down. Enjoy the rest of your meal. Bye-bye!

 _Outside…_

Zhang Xiu: …GRAAAAHHHHH! **proceeds to wreck everything**

Jia Xu: **watches the whole thing with shock**

Zhang Xiu: DAMN THAT BASTARD! DAMN IT TO HELL! GRAAAAHHHH!...pant…pant…pant…

Jia Xu: ….you done?

Zhang Xiu: ARGH! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! I've given EVERYTHING to him. But now he's banging my aunt as well?! This is going too far! I will crush that motherfucker's di-

Jia Xu: **grabs Zhang Xiu** If you're that reckless, YOU'RE the one who will get your dick crushed instead.

Zhang Xiu: So how can I get to him?!

Jia Xu: For that matter, it will be really hard for us to get up close to Cao Cao, even moreso because of his bodyguard standing in front of his tent day and night. So we have to use a….sneakier approach.

Zhang Xiu: So? So?

Jia Xu: **whisper whisper**

Zhang Xiu: Oooo….that's brilliant! Haha! It'll get him good!

Jia Xu: Yes, but remember! If this plan leaks out, we're screwed!

Zhang Xiu: Get it, get it!

 _That night…._

Jia Xu: Hello.

Dian Wei: Hm? WHOA! What are your business here?! Do you intend to harm my lord?!

Jia Xu: Harm your lord?! Ahaha! Why would I do that? No! It's just that I'm here to invite you to a party.

Dian Wei: Party?

Jia Xu: Yeah! You know, since you always stand up all day and night guarding this tent, isn't that a bit tiring? You should let loose once in a while.

Dian Wei: Really? But who will guard it if I'm go-

Jia Xu: Yeesh, don't worry much about it. Just enjoy the booze, will you?

 _Much, much later…_

Dian Wei: Bleerrggghh….gah, I can't take it anymore!

Jia Xu: Aw, come on, just one more, perhaps?

Dian Wei: Noooo….I….can't…zzzzzzzzz

Jia Xu: …..haha. Now!

Huche'er: **steals Dian Wei's axe**

Jia Xu: Ahaha…just as planned. **teleports away**

 _Later…._

Jia Xu: **appears beside Zhang Xiu**

Zhang Xiu: AH! You surprised me.

Jia Xu: Ahaha, sorry. So? Did you do as I say?

Zhang Xiu: Of course! I managed to convince Cao Cao to allow my soldiers to casually pass by with all their armor and weapons on! And when I finally get to him, I'm gonna cut his dick off and feed it to the dogs! That's gonna teach him a lesson!

Jia Xu: Heh, good. Let's get this party started. **snaps fingers**

 _And then that's how it went. Jia Xu started a fire attack at Wan Castle, and there were a lot of shit going on. Cao Cao was just having his usual good 'ol timey-wimey with Zhang Xiu's aunt Zoushi, when suddenly…_

Cao Cao's Soldier: MY LORD! MY LORD!

Cao Cao: Huh? AAAAHHHH! HEY! KNOCK FIRST BEFORE YOU ENTER!

Cao Cao's Soldier: Uhh…sir, this is a tent.

Cao Cao: Oh, right. Nevermind, what's your business? Can't you see I'm busy?

Cao Cao's Soldier: Eh, um, I'm sorry! It's just that, THERE ARE FLAMES EVERYWHERE!

Cao Cao: Flames? Nah, nothing to fuss about. Some soldier probably made a mistake.

Cao Cao's Soldier: SIR! Gah, ZHANG XIU'S ARMY IS ATTACKING US!

Cao Cao: What?! Zhang Xiu?! Gah, WHAT?! Tch, where is Dian Wei?! Eh?

Dian Wei: Zzzz…..zzzzz…..

Cao Cao: Shit! SHITSHITSHITSHIT- AAAAAHHHHH!

Dian Wei: Zzzz…..zzrrgghhh….grrrkkhh? Errmmmhh….what's….going….ON?! Eh, what?!

Jia Xu: There! The bald one you see there!

Zhang Xiu's Army: HYAAAAHHHH!

Dian Wei: Tch, where is my weapon?! Gah! Alright! NO ONE! SHALL GET TO MY LORD WHILE I'M STILL STANDING! GRAAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: Hehe…that should do the work.

 _Later…_

Cao Cao: Pant…pant…pant…wha?!

Zhang Xiu: STOP THERE, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD!

Cao Cao: Tch! HYAH! **goes even faster**

Zhang Xiu: DON'T ESCAPE! GAH!

Jia Xu: Huh? Lord Zhang Xiu!

Zhang Xiu: Huh?

Jia Xu: That's enough. Don't pursue him further.

Zhang Xiu: But he's-

Jia Xu: It's alright. He's been dealt enough damage.

Zhang Xiu: Tch! But that was so close! ….but I guess you're right…

Jia Xu: There's no doubt he will come again…well, if he does we'll just hand him another beating.

 _So, yep. Thanks to not being able to control his boner, Cao Cao ended up beaten quite badly and losing his eldest son, nephew, and most of all, his most trusted bodyguard. From a minor warlord that has recently surrendered to him, and of course, his mighty strategist._

Jia Xu: Now stop that flattering. After all, it was a night attack. Hardly amazing.

 _What?! No way, that was amazing! You pushed the Hero of Chao himself back. That was a big accomplishment!_

Jia Xu: I know. Then again, we had a bit of struggle against him later, so…

 _But you still managed to get around that, anyway! We'll see more of that in the next chapter, so be excited!_

Jia Xu: Sigh, fine, fine.

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

That's all! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	8. Oh, God

_Chapter 8: Oh, God_

* * *

 _Okay, so after Wan Castle Cao Cao stayed away from Zhang Xiu for a little while to deal with stuffs like Lu Bu, before deciding to go attack Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu again._

Zhang Xiu: Okay, Cao Cao is retreating. This is our chance!

Liu Biao: Yeah!

Jia Xu: Huh? Whoa, whoa, wait.

Zhang Xiu and Liu Biao: Eh? What?

Jia Xu: That's a bad plan. He'll easily wreck your hides in seconds. Don't go.

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: ….pffftt- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Jia Xu: …..

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: Hahahahahaaa…oh well! Let's go! HYAAAHHH!

 **cue massive slaughtering by Cao Cao**

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: AAAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Sigh…. **facepalm**

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: Pant…pant…pant…

Liu Biao: You…you were right!

Zhang Xiu: We're sorry! Really sorry!

Jia Xu: ….huh. NOW you're gonna listen to what I'm gonna say?

Zhang Xiu: YES! YES! What should we do now?

Jia Xu: Attack them again.

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: What?! But…you SAW what he did to us, right?! NOW you're telling us to go attack him?!

Jia Xu: Yes, but that was in the past. NOW is the good time to attack him. If I'm wrong, just chop my head off. Go.

Zhang Xiu: ….let's go.

Liu Biao: What? No, I'm not going.

Zhang Xiu: You serious?

Liu Biao: Yes!

Zhang Xiu: Fine. **goes ahead**

 **cue massive slaughtering ON Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: AAAAAHHHHH!

Liu Biao: **widen eyes**

Jia Xu: Hehe….

Zhang Xiu: You…you were right! I mean, look at all this stuff we got!

Jia Xu: Told you.

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: But seriously...what…what kind of sorcery is this? How, how could you predict every single situation correctly?!

Jia Xu: Basic stuff, really. The first time you guys attempt to get him, he's too strong for you to handle. That's how I knew you guys would get screwed. However, later I noticed that he seemed to be in a hurry due to some business in the capital, and so he let his guard down. He also most likely didn't expect you trying to get him again after having your ass kicked the first time, so he totally didn't expect that attack and lost.

Liu Biao and Zhang Xiu: **getting starry-eyed** Whoaaaahhhh…. **bows down repeatedly** Our lord and savior, Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Now knock that off! Gosh, everywhere I go these guys always worship me. Whatever.

 _Moral of the story? If you don't listen to Jia Xu, you're screwed._

Jia Xu: I think it's always more of a coincidence, really.

 _What? No way! Literally everything you ever said is right!_

Jia Xu: Yeah, I know. And that makes me uncomfortable sometimes since people always get suspicious by it.

 _Nonsense! They just don't understand how great you are!_

Jia Xu: Eh, whatever. I was just doing my job. Whether they want to listen or not, well, that's not my business.

 _Heh, I suppose that's why I like you even more. Whatever, more of your adventures are waiting!_

Jia Xu: Fine.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	9. Seriously

_Chapter 9: Seriously_

* * *

 _And so, it turned out that Yuan Shao was attempting to attack the capital, and so he declared war on Cao Cao. Still, Cao Cao couldn't possibly focus on attacking Yuan Shao with Zhang Xiu harassing his rear, so he sent Liu Ye to arrange for peace._

 **door knocking**

Jia Xu: Hm? Yes, I'm coming….

Liu Ye: Hi.

Jia Xu: Hm? Oh, you're a guy from Cao Cao?

Liu Ye: Eh, uhm…yes!

Jia Xu: …..huh.

Zhang Xiu: WHAT?! CAO CAO IS HERE?! I SHALL KILL HI-

Jia Xu: OY, oy, this is just an envoy sent by Cao Cao! Calm your bollocks down! Hey!

Liu Ye: Umm…something wrong with him?

Jia Xu: Oh, ehem, well, you understand the situation between our lords, right? He's still mad pissed about that incident between your lord and his aunt, and let's not talk about that at the moment. So, ahem….what did Cao Cao sent you here for?

Liu Ye: Oh, right, about that! So, ahem…you see, he is now busy dealing with Yuan Shao, and he doesn't want your lord to stay angry and keep harassing him in the rear, which was why he sent me here to arrange peace!

Jia Xu: Huh. Quite a brave move considering what he did-

Liu Ye: Yes, yes, he indeed knows about that, and he's sorry. But please, can't you guys just compromise with us just for a bit?

Jia Xu: Hmm….okay, first of all, tell us why we must ally with him. What's Cao Cao like?

Liu Ye: Oh, there's a whole lot I can tell about him! You see, he is….

 _And so Liu Ye continued babbling for several hours about how great Cao Cao was…_

Liu Ye: …oh, and he's really like, THE BEST EVER! You know, there was this one time when he-

Jia Xu: **starting to get annoyed** Huff…okay, you know what, I get it, I get it. He really IS a great guy, as you said, right….

Liu Ye: Yeah! So, are you going to accept?

Jia Xu: Hmm….well, my boss still has to reconsider it…so, why don't you just come inside?

Liu Ye: Okay!

 _So Liu Ye met Zhang Xiu and explained to him about how great Cao Cao was, until a messenger from Yuan Shao came._

Yuan Shao's Messenger: Excuse me.

Zhang Xiu, Jia Xu, and Liu Ye: Gasp!

Liu Ye: **stares intensely**

Zhang Xiu: Uh, ehh…what?

Jia Xu: Well, now this is awkward….

Zhang Xiu: Emm…oh, right! What may be your business, good sir?

Yuan Shao's Messenger: Oh, here. My lord desires your help in…. **stares at Liu Ye**

Liu Ye: **stares back**

Yuan Shao's Messenger: ….defeating Cao Cao. Here's the letter.

Zhang Xiu: **reads**

Jia Xu: **reads** Hmmm…..

Zhang Xiu: …huh. This is pretty good!

Liu Ye: What?!

Yuan Shao's Messenger: Really? You will help us?

Zhang Xiu: Of course! Please tell your lord that-

Jia Xu: …pffft…..BAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Everyone: Gasp!

Jia Xu: ….ahahahahaha….oh lord, seriously? Is your lord truly serious about this?

Yuan Shao's Messenger: W-wait, what?

Jia Xu: I mean, he can't even make peace with his own brother. So how can he put up with other officers of the state? **takes the letter from Zhang Xiu**

Zhang Xiu: Huh?!

Yuan Shao's Messenger: B-but, but-

Jia Xu: I'm sorry, but I call bullshit on that. **rips the letter to shreds**

Yuan Shao's Messenger: **jawdrop**

Zhang Xiu: What the-?!

Liu Ye: ...yes! Yes!

Jia Xu: Now…get the hell outta my sight before I'll do to your face what I did to this paper. UNDERSTOOD?!

Yuan Shao's Messenger: AIIEEEKKK! YAAAAHHHH! **runs away**

Zhang Xiu: YOU 'EFFIN IDIOT! **grabs Jia Xu by the clothes**

Jia Xu: Whoa!

Zhang Xiu: WE'RE DONE! Thanks to you, WE'RE. FUCKING. DONE! Seriously, you insulted the messenger of Yuan GODDAMN SHAO, and he'll come here to tear our asses a new one!

Jia Xu: Eh, let's just go to Cao Cao then.

Zhang Xiu: WHAT?! You mean that guy who banged my aunt?!

Jia Xu: Yes. Him.

Zhang Xiu: You…you're mad! Like, Cao Cao?! Seriously?! He banged my aunt, and as a result we killed his eldest son and bodyguard, and he's mad pissed at me about it!

Jia Xu: Well, there are three reasons why you should join him. One, he's got the Emperor Himself, so his actions are...how should I say this…'legit'. Two, Yuan Shao is strong, which is precisely why if we submitted to him, he would ignore us. Instead, if we join Cao Cao, he would regard our help highly. And lastly, he must let go of petty grudges in order to rule the world. So, did I make things clear to you?

Zhang Xiu: Oh…yes!

Jia Xu: Good!

Zhang Xiu: Okay! So, ahem, Liu Ye, right?

Liu Ye: Yes!

Zhang Xiu: Alright! We agreed to join Lord Cao Cao!

Liu Ye: Great!

Zhang Xiu: Yes! But, uhm…you sure he wouldn't do anything to me? I mean…

Liu Ye: Oh, come on, if he had been still pissed at you, he wouldn't have sent me for peace arrangements, now would he?

Jia Xu: Heh.

 _Later, at Cao Cao's place…_

Xun Yu: My lord, you sure this is a good idea?

Cao Cao: Oh, what are you worrying about? He's not gonna do anything to me!

Xiahou Dun: To be fair, there's a good chance he's still pissed at you for-

Guo Jia: Nah, he won't. After all, even Lord Cao Cao is able to let go the death of his eldest son and bodyguard, so why should you worry about Zhang Xiu not being able to let that go?

Xiahou Dun: You have a point, but still-

Cao Cao: Hey! There they come!

Zhang Xiu and Jia Xu: **enter and bow**

Cao Cao: Heheh. **walks past Zhang Xiu**

Zhang Xiu: …? **makes a 'Seriously?' pose at Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: Hey, you.

Jia Xu: Hm? Uhh…yes?

Cao Cao: Heheheheheh…. **smiles creepily**

Jia Xu: ….. **sweatdrop** …sir? You okay?

Cao Cao: **holds Jia Xu's hands**

Jia Xu: Wha-?!

Everyone: Gasp!

Guo Jia: Ooohhh… **starts getting sparkly-eyes**

Xiahou Dun: …grrrmmmmlllhhhh….

Jia Xu: Uhh….sir?

Cao Cao: There is one man who made my trustworthiness be exulted by the world; and good sir, you are he!*

Jia Xu: Eh…urm… **sweats** ….gulp.

Xiahou Dun: **becomes even angrier**

Guo Jia: **becomes even more sparkly-eyed**

Cao Cao: **lets out the most shit-eating grin ever**

Jia Xu: ..errr….gulp….t…thank….thank you.

Cao Cao: Yay! Good! **pats Jia Xu** I'm sure we're gonna be the best of partners, right?

Zhang Xiu: Umm…excuse me….did you forget that I WAS his lord?!

Cao Cao: Oh, you.

Zhang Xiu: What?! Come on man, did you just literally forget that I was the one who had been giving you trouble all these time?! Like, seriously!

Cao Cao: Oh…right. I don't know, I guess compared to Jia Xu you just aren't recognizable enough.

Zhang Xiu: Now that's just unfair!

Cao Cao: Eh, it's alright. Oh, and by the way….I'm sorry 'bout 'that', 'kay. We cool?

Zhang Xiu: ….yeah.

Cao Cao: Okay! Great! And now….hey, Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: What?

Cao Cao: Here, since we all know that you're the best and all, I'd like you to have this! **lets out the Gilded Mace**

Jia Xu: Wha?! Whoa, wait a minute! I mean, I've just gotten here, and…to have THIS high of a position is too much!

Cao Cao: Ohoho, come on! A man of your talent is fit to have this!

Jia Xu: No, no, I swear I'm not-

Cao Cao: Come on now, have it~

Jia Xu: My lord, I can't, I-

Cao Cao: Shut up and just take this BEFORE I SMASH YOU TO PIECES WITH IT.

Jia Xu: **widen eyes**

Cao Cao: **stares intensely**

Jia Xu: ….okay.

Cao Cao: Great! **pats Jia Xu again** You're the best, you know. **goes away**

Jia Xu: … **looks at the angry Xiahou Dun and dreamy Guo Jia** …..sigh…how can I even possibly go through this?

 _Yeah…so that's how Jia Xu finally came to join Wei. Still, I'm kinda baffled why Koei made your recruitment to be your typical 'defeat means friendship' sorta thing._

Jia Xu: It's not exactly 'friendship', but I can see your point. They probably did that because it saved time, and because they never gave a shit about Zhang Xiu.

 _Yeah, that. Hell, even Luo Guanzhong didn't care about him, either! In the novel, this moment was literally the last time he ever even appeared directly. A shame._

Jia Xu: Yeah, I know. Probably because Luo Guanzhong preferred me over him. Wow, when someone actually preferred ME over someone else….kinda sucks to be that person, I guess.

 _Yeah, yeah, but nevermind! This story was made for you! So enjoy it! Especially since now the playables are featured, things are bound to get interesting and fun!_

Jia Xu: Interesting, perhaps. Fun….no.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

Well anyway, that part where Jia Xu refused Cao Cao's appointment was not in any historical sources, but rather I got an idea of it from a tumblr post in the-archlich in his Jia Xu Character Analysis. Specifically, this sentence: "Though Jia Xu always refused high honors in the past, he was unable to escape Cao Cao, who made him a minor marquis and gave him the prestigious position of Bearer of the Gilded Mace, a sort of chief-of-police in the capital." For some reason that sentence seemed funny to me.

Anyways, please leave a review and have a good day!

*The actual quote. Probably the first and the last time I'd ever do this. Why? Because, that's why.


	10. This Ain't Too Bad, I Guess

_Chapter 10: This Ain't Too Bad, I Guess_

* * *

 _Jia Xu's first job at Cao Cao was during the Battle of Guandu, against Yuan Shao._

Guo Jia: Hey!

Jia Xu: Huh? What?

Guo Jia: So, this will be your first battle, right?

Jia Xu: Yeah?

Guo Jia: Great! We hope you'll do your best!

Jia Xu: Umm….thanks? I mean…why did you just run to me like that?

Guo Jia: Eh? Hey, I just thought I at least greet you, since you're new here. Something wrong with that?

Jia Xu: Not particularly….but hey, considering what the other guys here think about me, and….wait, hold on, Author.

 **world freezes**

 _What?_

Jia Xu: Hey, I thought that I really wasn't actually friends with Guo Jia historically?

 _Yes, you weren't._

Jia Xu: Then….why did you add this?

 _Okay, even though this is supposed to be a retelling of your historical biography, it's still a DW fic. I mean, it's the goddamn category! Now quit jacking off the track and just go on with it! (And I ship you two anyway so THIS MUST HAPPE-)_

Jia Xu: Wait, wait-

 **world unfreezes**

Guo Jia: And besides, I'd just like to see your skills later on! It will be so delightful! **sparkly-eyed**

Jia Xu: …..uhhhh…..okay.

Guo Jia: Yes! Anyways, I'm off!

Jia Xu: Okay. Huff….for some reason, I got a headache…

 _So anyway, they went into battle, yada yada yada, and then there came a moment when Yuan Shao cornered Cao Cao._

Cao Cao: Dammit! We ran out of food! And Yuan Shao just keeps on cornering us! If this goes on, we're done for!

Guo Jia and Jia Xu: ….

Cao Cao: Seriously, there must be some way to….hrmmmhhh….

Guo Jia: ….hey.

Jia Xu: What?

Guo Jia: You're not gonna say anything?

Jia Xu: Why should I? Unless he asks me to, I'm saving my breath.

Cao Cao: Grmgghlhbl…. **looks at Guo Jia and Jia Xu** HEY!

Guo Jia and Jia Xu: WHOA!

Cao Cao: Seriously! You're supposed to be my advisors, and you're not even trying to help me in the slightest?! Especially you, Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Hm?

Cao Cao: Come on, man! Seriously, I didn't let go the death of my eldest son, and foremost Dian Wei, for THIS!

Jia Xu: …..

Cao Cao: ….

Jia Xu: Lord, your clear-thinking is superior to Yuan Shao. Your daring is superior to Yuan Shao. Your ways of employing men is superior to Yuan Shao. Your decisiveness is superior to Yuan Shao. The reason for your inability to conquer him despite these four superiorities is because you have been playing it safe. You must take advantage of the situation decisively, and then victory will come in moments.*

Guo Jia: **makes a 'Seriously?' face**

Cao Cao: …..

Jia Xu: So?

Cao Cao: …fine! **leaves room**

Jia Xu: Hmph.

Guo Jia: Hey, did you just seriously steal my speech?

Jia Xu: What speech?

Guo Jia: You know! The one I made to convince our lord to go attack Yuan Shao at the first place!

Jia Xu: Well, but I listed 4 instead of 10. Saved my breath a lot more to convince him.

Guo Jia: Damn you.

 _Thanks to Jia Xu's advice, Cao Cao managed to defeat Yuan Shao._

Guo Jia: Woo-hoo! We won!

Jia Xu: Heh. Right.

Guo Jia: Yeah! It's all thanks to you, you know!

Jia Xu: What? Pfftt, no, it was nothing. Obviously it was because of you!

Guo Jia: No! I'm clearly nothing compared to you!

Jia Xu: No, no, no, you're obviously superior!

Guo Jia: No, you!

Jia Xu: You!

Guo Jia: You!

Jia Xu: You!

Guo Jia: YOU!

Jia Xu: YOU!

Guo Jia: Damn it…. **falls down**

Jia Xu: Eh?! **holds Guo Jia** Whoa! …hey…you…okay?

Guo Jia: Eh? Oh, of course I am! I mean, it's not like I've got a deadly plot-convenient disease that will kill me in 8 years or anything! It's just your imagination! Haha! **coughs**

Jia Xu: …you REALLY should stop getting drunk and pursuing girls.

Guo Jia: Can't help it.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay, that's all! Please leave a review and have a good day!

*Also the actual quote. Eh, I'll just probably use the actual quotes everytime I run out of ideas to make them funnier. I'm such a useless piece of shit.


	11. Face the Truth

_Chapter 11: Face the Truth_

* * *

 _After defeating Yuan Shao, Cao Cao went to eliminate the rest of the Yuan kids at Mt. Bailang, and this was basically the most depressing part of Jia Xu's entire life._

Jia Xu: So, this is where we'll defeat the rest of the Yuans.

Guo Jia: Of course! Hey, since you did great before, we're counting on you!

Jia Xu: Eh, okay. And….you….okay?

Guo Jia: Eh? What do you mean?

Jia Xu: I mean…to be honest, you look kinda pale….okay, you've always been pale, but this…feels different…

Guo Jia: **releases deathly aura** Ahahahahahaha, come on, what are you talking about? I'm fine! I'm healthy as always- **coughs blood repeatedly** So, yeah! No need to worry! I'm fine, you're fine, we're all fine! Hehe, hahaha! Hahahaha!

Jia Xu: …..you're starting to worry me.

Guo Jia: Eh?

Jia Xu: I mean, dude, c'mon. You're beyond smart, and yet….huff….

Guo Jia: Eh, umm….oh well! Let's not dilly-dally any longer! Let's go!

Jia Xu: Sigh….I seriously wonder how he got hired at the first place…

 _After the battle finished…_

Jia Xu: Hmph….huh?!

Guo Jia: Hrrhh…we…did…it…. **falls**

Jia Xu: Whoa! **catches Guo Jia**

Cao Cao: What! You overexerted yourself.

Guo Jia: Eh….I'm alright, told you…by the way, we should totally party when we're home! **getting smacked** Ow!

Jia Xu: You idiot! We should get you all healthy before getting you drunk! Jeez…

Everyone: **laughs**

 _Later…_

Guo Jia: Hrrrmmmhh…nggghhh…ey, Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: Hm?

Guo Jia: Hey…I'd like to say it again….you're the smartest dude here.

Jia Xu: Oh come on, not with this 'you're the smartest' bullshit again. What are you trying to say?

Guo Jia: Take care…of our lord…. **dies** *

Jia Xu: …..hey!*

 _Yeah…so Guo Jia dies, and there was a tragedy. Until suddenly…._

?: ….hello, guys?

Everyone: Eh? WHOA!

Jia Xu: ….Zhang Xiu? Is that you?

Zhang Xiu's Ghost: Why yes, it is indeed me!

Jia Xu: What the….you…you're dead?

Zhang Xiu's Ghost: Yeah, I am! I've died just recently, but look, you are all sad for Guo Jia instead!

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, hold on. Last time we saw you was when we surrendered to Cao Cao, and now….you're dead? Like, what?

Zhang Xiu's Ghost: What?! Like, come on! I was one of the best fighters at Guandu, and you guys compared me to Zhang frickin' Liao! And now you've just suddenly pushed me aside?! Like, what! The! HELL!

Jia Xu: Oh, yes…about that…

Zhang Xiu's Ghost: And you too, Master Jia Xu! You've forgotten about me as well?! Like, you ditched me for that blond, perverted drunkard! What did he do to you anyway?!

Jia Xu: Well, can't help it…he just approached me with such trust and warmth that it kinda bugs me, and we just became friends. Then he died anyway, so, meh.

Zhang Xiu's Ghost: But, come on! Seriously, it seems like history just mostly views me as 'that guy who brought Jia Xu to Cao Cao', only to then become forgotten! Even by you! Even when I died here, people remember Guo Jia more than me! What?!

Jia Xu: Eh…to be honest, even history didn't bother that much to record exactly WHAT you did to Cao Cao anyway, so….

Zhang Xiu's Ghost: But…that's not fair… **cries**

Jia Xu: It's alright, you think I got any better? Hell no. So, just face the truth, son.

Everyone else: **watching with a horrified and shocked face** …..

 _After completely eliminating all possible Yuan threats and conquering Jing province, Cao Cao shifted his focus to the southern regions._

Cao Cao: Okay! Now that we finally got all the areas of the north, I'm gonna pull my next big plan!

Ministers: **discuss**

Jia Xu: Big plan? What, you're gonna invade the next region? Don't make me la-

Cao Cao: And so, now we're heading to the SOUTH!

Ministers: Whoa!

Jia Xu: What?!

Cao Cao: Yeah…this area past this river right here, ruled by that Sun kid, I'm gonna get it! He's just a little kid with small army, and hey! I'm the Prime Minister! He wouldn't dare to disobey me! If he does, well, I'll just come to wreck him with my mighty ships!

Ministers: **cheer**

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, hold on.

Ministers: GASP!

Cao Cao: What?

Ministers: **murmur murmur** Whoa, you just saw that? Jia Xu actually spoke? But he's never done this before! I wonder what he's gonna say? …..

Cao Cao: Jia Xu. What is it? You have something to say to my MAGNIFICENT plans?

Jia Xu: Ahem, well, as a matter of fact, I do. That's a BAD plan you have there.

Ministers: GASP! **murmur murmur** He's OPPOSED our lord's plans! Whoa whoa…don't you think that's a bit of bold move right there?! Yeah, he'd better have good reason, or….

Jia Xu: Erm…

Cao Cao: Bad? Well, do you mind listing the reasons why?

Jia Xu: Oh, of course not. First of all, you've just defeated the Yuans, and you're famous for that. If you would reward the officers with the goods in you obtained in Jing province and obtain the trust of the common people, then the people at the south will surrender to us immediately. No need to raise an army.

Cao Cao: …

Ministers: …..

Cao Cao: …pffftttBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Jia Xu: What?!

Ministers: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Cao Cao: AHAHAHAHAHAHA, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..really, Jia Xu? That's the best reasons you could come up with?!

Jia Xu: My lord, I'm being serio-

Cao Cao: Ahahaha….oh lord. Seriously, if you were gonna hinder me from another victory, at least put a bit of effort in it!

Jia Xu: Huh?!

Ministers: Hahahahahahahaha!

Jia Xu: ….huh, fine then, you wanna do it like that?

Cao Cao: Eh?

Jia Xu: Okay then. You wanna do it, then go on. I shall not interfere. The decision is all yours. BUT…..don't say I didn't try to warn you….

Cao Cao: Meh, whatever you say. We're gonna go past the Yangtze River and defeat that Sun kid! I mean, just look at his puny army! What could possibly go wrong?

 **cue Chibi**

Cao Cao: **looking at the entire thing with shock**

Jia Xu: Sigh….. **facepalms** ….I. Told. You.

 _Moral of the goddamned story: For the love of Heaven, do NOT ignore Jia Xu._

Jia Xu: To be honest, I kinda wonder why you're wasting so much time writing about my life when you could just simply summarize it in that one sentence.

 _Nonsense! I love writing about you! You're the best ever!_

Jia Xu: Yeah, but you know, considering that not many people care about me anyway…

 _Eh, it's alright! What matters most is that I write about you! Whether people like it or not, well, we'll just see._

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! Please leave a review and have a good day!

*Both are actual quotes from the game.

Also, for those two fighting Guests: to be fair, the first one did actually give me a good reason why my writing wasn't as funny as before, and so I took their advice. A hater is when they just go ahead hating at my story and yelling at me for no good reason. When I find someone like that, I'll just ignore them straight away.

And so, if you like reading my story, go on ahead. But no need to go defend it to the point where you can't tell the difference between 'constructive advice' and 'just being plain hateful'. A writer like me still makes mistakes, so it makes sense for other people to point out the flaws in my story and tell me how I can improve, and I'll be more than happy to take their advice.

Please, be rational and respectful before you respond to other people's opinions. I hate it when my readers fight each other like this just because one thinks the other is a 'hater' for simply giving constructive criticism.

However, for the first Guest, even though I appreciated your advice, I'd like you to keep it respectful and mature when explaining to the second Guest. Even though you had a good point, typing in all caps and cursing and generally acting like an immature brat isn't going to make other people take you seriously.

Sincerely, I hope all of you have a great day.


	12. You Mad?

_Chapter 12: You Mad?_

* * *

 _Okay…so after that one hell of a screwup, Cao Cao decided to focus on other troubling areas instead of going near Wu ever again._

 _Meanwhile, our man Jia Xu here was taking a break from all of them._

Jia Xu: Oh well, after that one time he ignored my advice, suppose I get myself some rest. Sigh….believe me, working under him is definitely not as you think.

 _Yeah….I kinda get it. But! One day, Ma Chao and other warlords in Liang rebelled, so Jia Xu had to take action once again!_

Jia Xu: Sigh…right. After I had to deal with his father, now that goddamned horse-loving son of his rebelled again. Good god.

 _Yeah. So anyway, the forces of Cao Cao and Ma Chao met at Tong Gate. Ma Chao, being an absolute failure he was, stood no chance against the might of Cao Cao. He finally resorted to a peace agreement._

Cao Cao: **reads the peace treaty** Hmmm…..

Xiliang Messenger: So, how is it? Do you agree?

Cao Cao: Hmmm…ah….how should I say this? After all, it would be quite bothersome to give half of this territory and hostages instead of just obliterating your ass here and now-

Xiliang Messnger: Ah, please don't do that! I mean, ehem, aren't you also tired of all these months fighting us? Come on now, we could just do this thing and no bothering each other for a very long time, don't you agree?

Cao Cao: Hmmm…

Jia Xu: ….hey, psst.

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: Come on now. Don't tell me you're actually planning to agree on that.

Cao Cao: Whaatt?! Ehem, ohoho, of course not! I mean, that would be unbelievably stupid, right?

Jia Xu: Heh…right. So the thing is, let's just pretend to agree to this for a while, and then do 'that' sort of thing….

Cao Cao: What do you…..ooooooohhhhhh. Right, right….I know your game.

Jia Xu: **snickers**

Cao Cao: So, ahem….alright then, you. I suppose I shall think about this for a while. I'll be sure to give you an answer real soon.

 _After the Xiliang messenger left…_

Cao Cao: ….okay, now that he left, tell me! Tell me what your plan is!

Jia Xu: What? You said that you 'knew my game'.

Cao Cao: Well, yeah, but I only did it to look smart. Even in a fic centering on you, I have to maintain my good image! **strikes a 'cool' pose**

Jia Xu: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: Ahem! So, what are we gonna do to them? Are we gonna give their horses Cushing's syndrome? Drugging them? Or sending our mighty snow golem and snowmen against-

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, hell no, not that. (Those plans are kinda retarded, anyway…)

Cao Cao: Then what?

Jia Xu: Ahem, so even though Ma Chao is brave, he's not very bright. Just think about an SJW version of Lu Bu and you'll get the idea. So! We can take advantage of this to drift him and his uncle Han Sui apart.

Cao Cao: How are you gonna do that?

Jia Xu: Simple. Han Sui was your old friend, right? You can go meet him for a simple chitchat and that is enough to raise Ma Chao's suspicions. After that...you send him a letter, but purposely blot out some parts. When Ma Chao discovers them he will certainly think that Han Sui did that to prevent what he and you talked about and think that Han Sui intended to betray him. They will distrust each other and we can manage the rest.

Cao Cao: Ah…that's brilliant! Haha! Yep! Totally gonna do that! You're the best ever! **pats Jia Xu and then leaves**

Jia Xu: ….huh. Took you some burning ships to actually listen to me now? Sigh…

 _And so, later that evening…._

Cao Cao: ….ahem. Hello? Anybody out there? Hey, it's me, Cao Cao! The guy whom you want to kill! Come on, we've been battling for months now, and now that I'm here in your plain sight, you didn't attempt to get on me?

Ma Chao: …what?! That's seriously him?!

Han Sui: Yes. I don't know what he was thinking, to go out openly like that…he might be planning something.

Ma Chao: ….in that case, you should go, uncle.

Han Sui: What? Why me?

Ma Chao: Because you're the one guy who know him the most! Go!

Han Sui: But he could be planning something shady!

Ma Chao: Yeah, but the longer we leave him hanging out here the noisier he became! Like, just look at him!

Cao Cao: Let it go~ Let it go~...haha! So, how do you like that? I've been practicing it ever since I built that ice castle!

Han Sui: ….fine! I'll go!

 _Later…_

Han Sui: Hey! You!

Cao Cao: Hm? Ah, it's you! I've been waiting for a long time, you know? Seriously, I could freeze!

Han Sui: Really? But come on, you attack using ice, so that's not possi-

Cao Cao: Ah, just quit the useless chitchat, shall we? Come on, let's talk about something fun! Like that one time when…

 **cue useless chitchat between Cao Cao and Han Sui**

Ma Chao: ….. **squints eyes** Hmmmmm…

Ma Dai: Something wrong, young master?

Ma Chao: Ehhh, no….so far, at least….

 _2 hours later…._

 _From this point on, imagine Cao Cao talking in an exaggerated housewife-y manner._

Cao Cao: Hahahaha, yeah, yeah, and then…oh my god! Look at the time!

Han Sui: Huh?

Cao Cao: I'm sorry! Guess we were just so absorbed in our talk that I forgot! Ahem, anyway, thank you so much for your visit.

Han Sui: Ehhh…okay. It was a pleasure too.

Cao Cao: Ooh! Thank you! Honestly, I really wish we weren't at this stupid war. We would have a lot of fun together, don't you think?

Han Sui: Uhh…yeah. Well, can't be helped.

Cao Cao: Ah, that's alright. It'll all come to pass, eventually. Well! See you later! Bye-bye! Take care!

Han Sui: Okay! You take care as well! **gallops away**

 _Later…._

Han Sui: …huh?

Ma Chao and Ma Dai: **sleeping**

Han Sui: What? Ehm, HEY!

Ma Chao and Ma Dai: WHOA!

Han Sui: Why were you two sleeping?

Ma Dai: Ehm, oh! We're sorry! After all, you talked with Cao Cao for a very long time, so we just kinda-

Ma Chao: OH! So, what did you two talk about?

Han Sui: Hm? Ah, some unimportant stuff. Just recalling some good ye olde days, hot gossips from throughout the empire, and how to kill Ma Cha-

Ma Chao and Ma Dai: GASP!

Han Sui: Eh, oops!

Ma Chao: ….uncle…have you, have you betrayed me?!

Han Sui: What?! No, no! Gah, I didn't mean to say that!

Ma Chao: Truly?!

Han Sui: Truly!

Ma Chao: Hmm….so, did Cao Cao bring up any military matters?

Han Sui: Ehhh…no.

Ma Chao: **squints eyes**

Han Sui: **sweats** Eh, urrmmm….oh well! It's getting late. You youngsters should sleep! Uhm, hehe! **zips off**

 _Meanwhile, at Cao Cao's place…_

 _At this point, drop the 'housewife' manner._

Cao Cao: …. **smirks** Hehe. Got him good.

Jia Xu: So?

Cao Cao: WHAAAH! Oh, come on! Why must you appear so suddenly behind me like that?!

Jia Xu: Eh? Something wrong with it?

Cao Cao: Of course! You know how there are so many people out there to kill me! There could be assassins out there trying to get my life anytime…anywhere. And YOU! I mean, you WERE one trying to get my life, right?!

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, okay, what the hell is all this? I mean, we were just discussing about our plans to trick Ma Chao and now you're accusing me of trying to assassinate you or some shit, like, calm the fuck down…

Cao Cao: But I- …huff…okay, I'm sorry. Really. As to answer your question…well, I did manage to get him into some useless chitchat, enough to get Ma Chao suspicious.

Jia Xu: Ah, good! Now, time to write the letter.

Cao Cao: Of course! **gets out paper and brush and starts writing nonsensical stuff**

Jia Xu: **reads** …'...Ma Chao loves MLP...'? Wait, what?

Cao Cao: Oh well, what do you expect from a horse fetishist like him? And…okay! Now! Time for the big part! **gets out a giant paintbrush**

Jia Xu: WHOA! My lord, where did you get that?!

Cao Cao: Eh, I think I found it lying on the ground near Ma Chao's camp? Don't know…someone probably dropped it…

 _Meanwhile, on Ma Chao's camp…_

Ma Dai: Dudududududu~ Okay! Now since young master's asleep, I can now paint without his repeated shouting of 'JUSTICE' annoying me! ….wait, what?! Where did my paintbrush go?! MY BELOVED PAINTBRUSH! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

 **BAAAMMM!**

Ma Dai: AAAAHHH!

Ma Chao (from the other side): Seriously Ma Dai, keep it down! If it was you bitching about your paintings again I'm seriously gonna take them to be eaten by Walnut! So cut it out!

Ma Dai: Eeeekk! Y-yes! Sigh…

 _Back at Cao Cao…._

Cao Cao: Okay, so! Let's swing it like this…hyah! **splatters some ink** Whooh! Perfect! Now, let's do this again….and again! And again! Hmph! Hyah! **continues splattering ink**

Jia Xu: ….

Cao Cao: …aaaannnnnddd…yup! Done! Whooh! Man, would you look at that! That's art right there!

Jia Xu: Art? My lord, are you seriously calling this nonsensical, mindless splatters and blots of ink on a piece of paper 'art'?

Cao Cao: Eh, of course I am! Besides, I took art lessons when I was younger! I know fully well that what I did is a true fine work of an artist! And you didn't, which renders your opinion invalid!

Jia Xu: What the?! Sigh…fine, whatever. I mean, I obviously don't know the difference between goofing around with art supplies and fine art. Okay.

Cao Cao: Haha, of course! Just look at this masterpiece! People will surely hold this dearly as art even for a thousand years to come!

Jia Xu: By the way, my lord, isn't our intention to send this letter to Han Sui to drive him and Ma Chao apart?

Cao Cao: Hmm, oh, right! I forgot! Hahaha…oh well! Let's send 'em right away! I'm sure Han Sui will be delighted to see my masterpiece! Haha!

 _Later, at Ma Chao's place…_

A soldier: Lord Han Sui, a letter from Cao Cao.

Han Sui: Hm? Cao Cao?

 _Later…_

A soldier: Lord Ma Chao, have you known?

Ma Chao: What?

A soldier: Lord Han Sui received a letter from Cao Cao.

Ma Chao: What?! **zips off**

 _At Han Sui's place…_

Han Sui: ….. **sweatdropping at the letter**

Ma Chao: UNCLE!

Han Sui: WHOAH! Hey, don't come rushing in like that!

Ma Chao: Ehm, I'm sorry! But, you received a letter from Cao Cao, right?

Han Sui: Uhhh…yes.

Ma Chao: Hmmm…. **squints eyes** Can I look at it?

Han Sui: Eh? Oh, sure, of course, though I doubt you'd be intereste-

Ma Chao: **snatches the letter**

Han Sui: WHOA! Hey, don't just snatch the paper away like that! You'll damage the-

Ma Chao: …..uncle…what…is this?

Han Sui: What?

Ma Chao: This splattering of ink here.

Han Sui: Eh? Uhh…dunno. Cao Cao said that it's his art. He just likes showing off like that.

Ma Chao: Art?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Han Sui: Ehh?!

Ma Chao: I mean, come on! We both know that Cao Cao is a highly refined person! There's NO way he would even remotely call THIS 'art'! Hell, even Ma Dai's drunk drawings are way better than this! …. **widen eyes** …or could it be…uncle, are you turning on me?!

Han Sui: Huh?! Whoa, whoa, what's going on?!

Ma Chao: I mean…it's all obvious now! You clearly intentionally blotted this part out because you don't want me to find something out, didn't you?!

Han Sui: Nephew, it's all a misunderstanding!

Ma Chao: …. **reads the letter again** …'…and besides, Ma Chao loves MLP! We've talked it before about how that is one shitty-ass show that only lonely furries like!'... **expression darkens and starts trembling**

Han Sui: My nephew, this isn't what you think it is! Please!

Ma Chao: Uncle, I can't believe it! So…so you actually think that MLP is terrible?! B-but, but we grew up watching it together! I can't believe it….we've been through this together, and now you betrays me simply because of this?!

Han Sui: Look, look, I didn't attempt to betray you!

Ma Chao: Then explain this!

Han Sui: Look, look, if you don't believe me, just watch me go out and kill Cao Cao tomorrow. You may kill me if I'm proven wrong. Deal?

Ma Chao: Deal!

Han Sui: Okay. Huff…by the way, it's getting late already. Why are you still up?

Ma Chao: Well, Ma Dai's loud bitching kept me awake, so I suppose I'd just-

Han Sui: Go the fuck to sleep.

Ma Chao: **awkward face** …okay. **goes away**

 _Tomorrow…_

Cao Cao: Okay! Hahaha…now! The final step in my grand plan! All these horse freaks will go down!

 _On Ma Chao's side…_

Han Sui: Now, I'm gonna go attack.

Ma Chao: Okay.

Han Sui: **gallops**

Ma Chao: **sneaks behind Han Sui**

 _Later…_

Han Sui: WHERE IS CAO CAO?!

Cao Cao: Hey, pssst. Now go.

Cao Hong: Okay. Oy, Han Sui!

Han Sui: Huh?! Hey, you! Tell me where Cao Cao is!

Cao Hong: Hm? Oh, he's alive and well in his tent. By the way, he thanks you for your participation. Remember, let there be no mistakes! **goes away quickly**

Ma Chao: What?!

Han Sui: What the...what does that even mean?! HEY! ...ah?

Ma Chao: Grrr….HAN SUIIIIII! **comes out attempting to attack Han Sui**

Han Sui: AAAHH! **defends** Please…this, this is a misunderstanding!

Ma Chao: NO! I have all the proofs I need! DIEEE!

 **cue ensuing chaos within Ma Chao's forces**

Jia Xu: ….hehehehehehehe…all wrapped up.

Cao Cao: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I REIGN SUPREME! Really, would you just look at that! Those pitiful fleabags running all around amongst flames and panicking about…and it all took a single letter and a magnificent art of mine! Man, Liang people are so dumb.

Jia Xu: …. **realizes what Cao Cao said and turns to him with an 'Ahem, excuse me sir?!' face**

Cao Cao: And now, let's go straight to the slaughter! WOO-HOO! **gallops**

Jia Xu: Whoa, hey! Ah, well, what can I do. **follows**

 _Later…_

Ma Chao: Pant…pant…wha?! YOU!

Jia Xu: Hm?! Ah...so it's you. never thought I would meet the so-called 'Splendid' here. Ahaha...

Ma Chao: Grrr...YOU! You did this to us!

Jia Xu: Haha…so, what of it? You mad?

Ma Chao: But, we are both Liang people! Are you okay with this guy taking our homeland?!

Jia Xu: Getting too attached to one's home is a foolish thing to do. The world changes. You just can't cling to one thing and expect it to last forever. And besides…YOU were the one who started this. And so…it's my job to stop you, no matter where I came from. It's all in the past.

Ma Dai: Hyah! Young master!

Jia Xu: Hm? Oh hey, you're that guy who likes to paint, right?

Ma Dai: Yeah, so?

 **TOCK!**

Ma Dai: OW!

Jia Xu: Lord Cao Cao thanks you for lending your paintbrush to help him defeat your cousin.

Ma Chao: Wha…. **turns to Ma Dai**

Ma Dai: Oh! My beloved Brushie! You're back! It's alright, Daddy's here, no one shall harm you ever aga…

Ma Chao: Grrrr...Ma Dai…

Ma Dai: Uhhh…..young master? Eh, uh, WHAAAAAAHHHH!

Ma Chao: NO! NOT YOU, MA DAI! YOU BETRAYED ME LIKE HAN SUI DID?!

Ma Dai: What the- NO! I DIDN'T BETRAY YOU! GAH! PLEASE! LISTEN! AAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: **chuckles** Oh well, that should buy us some time. **snaps fingers**

Cao Cao: Okay! FEAST ON, BOYS!

Cao Cao's Soldiers: GRAAAAAAHHHHH!

Ma Chao and Ma Dai: **stops fighting and realizing what was happening** … **widen eyes** AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! RETREAT! RETREAT!

 _So yeah, with a simple ploy by Jia Xu, Cao Cao managed to shatter the entire Xiliang coalition and drive Ma Chao out of Liang province for eternity. All was done with a blotted letter._

Jia Xu: Not really. Ma Chao's stupidity plays a huge factor too, you know.

 _But, really! Pretty much no one except for you could even pull that awesome stunt off so flawlessly as you did!_

Jia Xu: Ah, it was simple plan to divide people up. Nothing special.

 _Seriously, I'm honestly getting sick of your humbling. Like, come on! You're great! Just accept it!_

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah, you wanna view me as that, go on ahead. I myself certainly don't.

 _Aw, you're no fun. Oh well, since you're nearing the end of your life, this should be quick._

Jia Xu: Great.

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

Whew! I finally reached this part! I guess I'll be able to finish this shortly. Alright then, please leave a review and have a good day!


	13. A Whole Lotta Drama

_Chapter 13: A Whole Lotta Drama_

* * *

 _And so, after handling Ma Chao, everything was fine and dandy with Cao Cao. That is, until he got an internal conflict going on in his own hands._

 _The thing was, there was a succession crisis going on between his eldest (surviving) son, Cao Pi, and his third son from his wife Lady Bian (also the mother of Cao Pi) Cao Zhi, whom he favored. This caused so much shitstorm among officials that he should choose the eldest over the younger as his heir, though Cao Zhi also got his own set of supporters._

 _Knowing that he had no chance to win unless he plays dirty, Cao Pi went to ask advice for the Grand Master of Dirty Playing: Jia Xu._

Jia Xu: ….hm?

Cao Pi: Hey, you.

Jia Xu: Hm? Oh, Lord Cao Pi. What may be your business?

Cao Pi: I need your help.

Jia Xu: Help? ….in what?

Cao Pi: **whispers something to his attendants, whom then left and closed the door**

Jia Xu: …..uhhh…

Cao Pi: **walks up to Jia Xu** It is a really crucial matter, and only you can help me in this.

Jia Xu: Uhhh…okay? What is your problem?

Cao Pi: **takes a deep breath** …. **bows repeatedly** PLEASE, PLEASE JIA XU, HELP ME GAIN MY FATHER'S FAVOR!

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, wait, ehh, whaatt?

Cao Pi: PLEASE! You know what's going on! My father wants to choose my stupid, melodramatic poem-composing brother Cao Zhi over me! But that's not fair! I'm the eldest, so I should be his heir!

Jia Xu: Eh, uhm, just wait a second, I mean, there's nothing I could do abou-

Cao Pi: You're the only one who can convince my father at the moment! Remember Chibi? Yeah, he regretted not taking your advice about that, so that means my father will ALWAYS listen to you since then!

Jia Xu: Uh, okay yeah, perhaps, but I'm not sure how I coul-

Cao Pi: PLEAAAAASSSSEEEEEE!

Jia Xu: …..eh, urm….okay…well….you just have to be a good boy, really. Perfect your virtues, become generous, act like a proper, refined scholar, all that basic stuff. Oh, and be filial. That's a must.

Cao Pi: …..that's all?

Jia Xu: Uhhh…yeah. It's not that difficult, really. Your father only favors your brother just because he composes pretty poems, but without all those, he'll fall out of favor eventually.

Cao Pi: **bows down repeatedly, again** Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH! You have my most earnest gratitude-

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah, that's enough-

Cao Pi: I'll make sure I'll reward you one day! Anything you want! Offices, houses, wine, pretty ladies, all of the-

Jia Xu: I SAID, ENOUGH. You haven't even done what I advised you to do…

Cao Pi: Erm, okay! I'll be sure to do it! Once again, thank you! **leaves room**

Jia Xu: …sigh…why does this always happen to me? Someone who is technically my superior goes begging at my feet like some weirdo….eh… **shrugs**

 _The next day…._

Cao Pi: Huff…okay! This is my first step into becoming my father's heir. Ahem. **walks**

People: …huh? Hey, look at that. It's General Cao Pi, right? Well, I bet he'll just go on with his douchey 'prince-like' attitude again just because he's the eldest son of Lord Cao Cao. He's always like that. But….he actually kinda looks different today. Yeah, he looks a lot calmer and more disciplined than before. What possessed him? I wonder how Lord Cao Cao will react to this…etcetera etcetera…

 _Yeah…eventually the change of Cao Pi's behavior reached the ears of Cao Cao himself, from the words of the handmaidens._

Cao Cao: Thank you.

Handmaiden: Thank you! Oh by the way, my lord, your son Cao Pi is so cool!

Cao Cao: …. **raises eyebrow** Hm?

Handmaiden: You know, there was that one time where I tripped over and shattered some plates. He helped me to get back up! And not only that, but he actually gave me money to replace the plates!

Cao Cao: **widen eyes** Wait, what? (Cao Pi…did that? No, no way….)

Handmaiden: Aaahhh! I can't believe it! He's also really kind and generous to the other servants as well! With that, now he just seems 1000x more handsome than before! Kyaaaa!

Cao Cao: …

Handmaiden: Oh well! Considering that he's a son of yours, is no surprise! You're the best in the world, my lord!

Cao Cao: …(What….told him to do this?)

 _So anyway, ever since Cao Pi did that, Cao Zhi's been steadily losing his father's favor, his alcoholism and various other improper acts not helping. But it all hit the point low at one day when Cao Cao went on an expedition._

Cao Cao: I'm gonna go. Make sure to not do anything funny while I'm gone.

Cao Zhi: Oh, my beloved father. How can I even bear to do such thing to you, the best in the world? You are truly….

 _….and thus Cao Zhi went again with his melodramatic poems, which was so beautiful that everyone cried. Cao Pi, on the other hand, was in some deep shit._

Cao Pi: (Shit, SHIT! There he goes again with his melodrama bullshit….if I don't do something...!)

Jia Xu: (Hmm….now that Lord Cao Zhi's at it again…let's see how Lord Cao Pi will do to reassure his right….)

Cao Pi: ….(Oh! Right!) **starts crying**

Everyone: GASP!

Cao Pi: Sniff…sniff…FATHER, I HOPE YOU'LL GO HOME SAFELY! You are truly the best father in the world…without you, I AM TRULY NOTHING! ….BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! **continues crying**

Officials: **start crying as well** WAAAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: **snickers (** Oh, my. It actually worked, huh? Heh…this should be easy…)

Cao Cao: … **cries as well** Huaaaaahh….sniff…I never knew you cared about me that much! (Okay, this is getting REALLY weird…..perhaps I should replace my heir? Hmmm…)

 _The problem's been bugging Cao Cao for a long time, until he decided to ask Jia Xu about it._

A servant: Lord Jia Xu, the Prime Minister wishes to talk to you.

Jia Xu: (Heh. So it has come to this, huh?) Okay.

 _Later…._

Cao Cao: Jia Xu. You're here.

Jia Xu: Yep.

Cao Cao: Good. Now… **whispers something to the attendants, whom then leave**

Jia Xu: (Great! Now, onto my plan!) …..

Cao Cao: Now, Jia Xu, I'd like to ask you something….

Jia Xu: ….

Cao Cao: …who do you think I should choose as my heir? Cao Pi or Cao Zhi?

Jia Xu: …..

Cao Cao: …..

Jia Xu: …..

Cao Cao: …hey.

Jia Xu: …

Cao Cao: …HEY! **slams the table**

Jia Xu: WHOA!

Cao Cao: I asked you something, and yet you kept ignoring me like chopped liver! Do you disrespect me now?!

Jia Xu: ….oh, I'm sorry. Did you say something?

Cao Cao: What?!

Jia Xu: I couldn't hear what you were saying over the sounds of how STUPID you truly are.

Cao Cao: WHAT?! **holds Jia Xu by the collar** And you're calling me STUPID right now?! Why, have you turned on me?! Looking at your history, it seems so!

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, calm down. After all, you trying to make your YOUNGER son as your heir over your ELDEST is really a stupid move. You haven't learned from the mistakes of Yuan Shao and Liu Biao?

Cao Cao: …. **widen eyes** …

Jia Xu: …..

Cao Cao: ….eh…eh…hehehehe…hehehehehehehehehahahahahahahahah! Ahahahahahahahahaha! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Jia Xu: Hmph.

Cao Cao: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA…..oh….god! Seriously!

Jia Xu: Heh. So?

Cao Cao: Yeah, yeah, I understand what you meant. Man, sometimes you're really just a giant asshole, but most of the other times…

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah, just get it done.

Cao Cao: Okay, okay! Cao Pi it is, then!

 _And so, Cao Cao set his eldest son Cao Pi, over Cao Zhi as his heir. As for anyone wondering, Yuan Shao and Liu Biao both set their younger son over their eldest as their heir, which caused a lot of shit after they died (though it was technically their wives who did it). Jia Xu's advice one again turned to be correct, as it was him convincing Cao Cao to choose Cao Pi that prevented something like Wu's Crown Prince Affair from ever happening to Wei._

Jia Xu: I just brought up common logic and tradition. If they're violated, something bad will happen.

 _Huh, yeah. You know, since Cao Cao really didn't give a shit about traditions and stuff, which made him appear anti-Confucian. But you know, it seems kinda weird for YOU to bring traditions up…_

Jia Xu: Confucian or not, it's all for practicality. I hate causing troubles just for the sake of 'tradition'…though sometimes following traditions may help too.

 _Yeah, I know. Whatever works best for you._

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

Okay! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	14. The More You Know

_Chapter 14: The More You Know_

* * *

 _And now, time to get some…interesting facts about Jia Xu's life outta the way. First of all, dude was a loner. He was respected highly by many people, yes, but he always kept himself away from the others. Which was why (or even because of?) people thought he was a freak._

 _On the first day joining Cao Cao…_

Jia Xu: **just casually passes by**

Officials: **whispering** Hey, there he goes again. Who is he again? You know, Zhang Xiu's strategist whom just surrendered to our lord just yesterday. Hmph, just look at his face. You think you can even trust ANYTHING he says? I heard he caused the death of our lord's heir and favorite bodyguard! That's nuts! Why did Lord Cao Cao still accept him in? He also once served under Dong Zhuo. Well, that explains everything….etcetera etcetera….

Jia Xu: **feels uncomfortable** (Ugh…there they go again…)

 _Infact, even after he made a name for himself under Cao Cao's service, he was always so certain that the others were out to kill him._

Jia Xu: ….

Official: **taps Jia Xu's shoulder** Excuse me-

Jia Xu: WHAAA! ….tch, come on! That was surprising!

Official: Surprising? I mean, I just tapped your shoulder-

Jia Xu: Yes, but don't do it like that again!

Official: …..okay….well, the thing is, I'd like to invite you to a banquet.

Jia Xu: Banquet?!

Official: Uhm…yeah. Lots of other officials will be there too.

Jia Xu: …..ehhh….urmm….no thanks.

Official: Huh? But why?

Jia Xu: Uh, I'm sorry, I mean, uhm, my wife made me a special dinner tonight and I don't wanna miss it ou-

Other Official: Oh, come on! After all, you're very popular among us! I'm sure the others will be pleased to see your presence the-

Jia Xu: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just can't. Ehm, perhaps next time, bye! **goes away quickly**

Official: Huh? Hey, wait! …..huh…

Other Official: See, told you he was a freak!

Official: You had a point. Really, what the hell does he do anyway, always avoiding from us like that?

Other Official: Eh, no matter. He's no fun person to hang out with anyway.

Official: Yeah, you're right.

Jia Xu: (Huff…a banquet? Really, I think I've seen enough banquets to see how they always turn out…ain't gonna be fooled by that!)

 _Also, unless it endangers his lord directly, he never voices his opinions on matters of things._

Cao Cao: Now, gentlemen! I have a new grand plan! We're gonna take this no-name village around here to transform it into my very own Caocaotopia!

Ministers: WHAAAATTTT?! But, my lord! The villagers are going to be endangered! Where will they be moved to? This is dangerous! Please, don't do this! Think about the well-being of the people!

Jia Xu: …..

Minister: Huh? Hey! **elbows Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Ow! What?!

Minister: Come on, you don't say anything about our lord's insane plan? Do you actually agree with him?!

Jia Xu: Ehh…well, what can I do?

Minister: Come on! If there's one person he always listens to, it's you! Please, convince him to change his mind!

Jia Xu: Nah, no. After all, it's his own mind. His own land. His own decision. I have no power to interfere.

Minister: But-

Other Minister: MY LORD! I OBJECT TO THIS PLAN!

Other Ministers: GASP!

Cao Cao: **deathglare** You…disagree with ME?!

Other Minister: YES! You should not do this!

Cao Cao: **deathglare** …..OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Other Minister: WHA?! WHOA WHOA WAIT- AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Other Ministers: **jawdrop**

Jia Xu: **widen eyes** …..oh. Wow.

Cao Cao: Now…don't take me as some selfish tyrant. I am a very civil person. Anyone is free to express their opinion here in our way to make this world a better place. BUT….if anyone DISAGREES with me….their fate shall be as this fool! UNDERSTAND?!

Ministers: GHHHKKK!

Cao Cao: Now….anyone else?

 **cricket sounds**

Jia Xu: **whistling**

Cao Cao: ….good. In that case…we shall begin the construction tomorrow! Ah, it's gonna be delightful! I can't wait!

Ministers: …

 _…yeah. Especially after the incidents with Xun Yu and Xun You, Jia Xu learned one important lesson: always keep your mouth shut unless if you're asked to open it. It helped him big time._

 _It even extended to his family as well. He always made sure that his kids didn't marry someone from important families and get high positions._

Jia Xu: Eh? What's that?

Some Famous Minister: Uh, well sir, our family wants to marry this one daughter of ours to your eldest son.

Jia Xu: Huh….

Jia Mu: Dad, this is great! Their daughter is pretty, and if I marry her we will get-

Jia Xu: Eh, no thanks.

Some Famous Minister: Ehh?! B-but why?! After all, sir, your name is already well-known within the officials! It's through this marriage that you can get more recogni-

Jia Xu: I said, no.

Some Famous Minister: But why?

Jia Xu: Ehh…uhm…because, well…look at me. I am but a simple man with simple motives. To give your daughter to a mere simpleton family like me would be an insult to your family.

Some Famous Minister: B-but, but-

Jia Xu: It's alright. I'm sure you can get someone far worthier than me. Now, please go home safely, will you?

Some Famous Minister: B-but, bu-bu-bu-b-but, but-

Jia Mu: Whaa?! But dad! Why must you ruin this opportunity?! It is really rare for someone like us to get a marriage offer like thi-

Jia Xu: My dear son, have you ever sat down and THINK about how much bother it would actually be to marry someone from such a prestigious family like that?

Jia Mu: Huh?

Jia Xu: Listen, if you married her, you would get famous. And you know how much of a BOTHER it would be to have people lay your eyes on you and track your every movement?!

Jia Mu: Um…

Jia Xu: And that's not it! Once you screwed something up….oh boy. You will essentially bring down that entire family's name and reputation down even though you only married their daughter. And once you did that….shit has already hit the fan.

Jia Mu: …uhhh…..

Jia Xu: Huff….know what, tomorrow I'll bring you to the marketplace, and see if there's any common girl who catches your eye. That's far easier.

Jia Mu: ….okay.

 _Another day…_

Jia Fang: Dad! I'm home!

Jia Xu: Oh, you.

Jia Fang: Dad, look at this! **shows a piece of paper**

Jia Xu: **takes the paper and reads** ….whoa, whoa, what is this? A promotion?

Jia Fang: Yes! Good stuff, isn't it? I wanted to receive it, but I just wanted to gain your permission fi-

Jia Xu: Well, permission not granted. **tears the paper to pieces**

Jia Fang: Wait, WHA?!

Jia Xu: There, saved you a lotta trouble.

Jia Fang: Wait, DAD! What was that?! I mean, I gained a promotion! It's supposed to be a good thing and yet you said it was trou-

Jia Xu: That's because it IS! Look, if you accepted that promotion, you would gain more work than you currently have right now!

Jia Fang: But….dad…

Jia Xu: Besides, the only good thing you would get from these stupid promotions is some fancy, useless title.

 _Jia Xu supposedly did all this in order to avoid people's suspicions and to remain hidden, but alas, it actually made people RESPECT him more instead._

Jia Xu: As you can see by now, my entire life was based on contradiction.

 _That sounds a little bit edgy, but you always were anyway. Oh, and before we close this chapter I'd like to tell you one fact that most people didn't know: everyone knows that Cao Cao wrote a commentary on the Art of War. But did you know that Jia Xu did the same thing too?_

 _Yeah! Infact, he did it before Cao Cao even did (or so I heard), but sadly his commentary had been lost in history._

Jia Xu: Just like everything else about me.

 _Yeah…it's kinda unfair…oh well, you're still awesome anyway so it's all good!_

Jia Xu: Dear lord.

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay, well, I found that part about Jia Xu writing a commentary about the Art of War in a book about the Art of War in a bookstore, but other than that and Jia Xu's Wikipedia page I don't know the historical source where this came from. Oh well, please leave a review and have a good day!


	15. The EndFinally!

_Chapter 15: The End…Finally!_

* * *

 _After that, some major events happened, such as Fan Castle and Guan Yu's death, but things REALLY took a major turn when Cao Cao died at March 15th, 220._

 _Cao Pi became his successor, and he made Jia Xu the Grand Commander thanks to his advice which helped Cao Pi become his father's successor._

Cao Pi: So! Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: What?

Cao Pi: You know, you're really great!

Jia Xu: Uhhhh….okay? (Why does this feel familiar….gah, why am I getting headaches already from serving this guy?)

Cao Pi: So! Remember that time I promised to reward you for helping me becoming my father's successor?

Jia Xu: Yeah?

Cao Pi: Haha, of course! It would be insane if I didn't! So, I want you to become my Grand Commander!

Jia Xu: WHA?! Whoa, whoa, wait! That's too prestigious of a position for-

Cao Pi: Oh, it's alright! It's a fitting position for someone like you, so don't hesitate to-

Jia Xu: Erm…uhhh….

Officials: **whispering** Oh god, did Lord Cao Pi just seriously make Jia Xu the Grand Commander? Yeah, like, what the hell did he even do to achieve such position? He pretty much only sits around on his ass all day, withdrawing himself from others like a freak! I think it's pretty much because he helped Lord Cao Pi achieve his father's favor. Yeah, of course….

Jia Xu: Guh….

Cao Pi: Come on! It's alright! Just accept it!

Jia Xu: …..sigh….fine.

 _Okay, so after that, Cao Pi forced Emperor Xian to abdicate, ending the Han Dynasty and starting the Wei Dynasty, kickstarting the ACTUAL Three Kingdoms Era._

 _And literally, right off the bat, the VERY first thing he did after forming Wei was trying to attack Shu and Wu, who by the way at that time were battling against one another after the Fan Castle incident. And thus, he went to Jia Xu for advice._

Cao Pi: Oy.

Jia Xu: Huh?

Cao Pi: So…Shu, and Wu. These two little annoying pests right here. Whom do you think I should crush first?

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, you can't just go on asking whom you can crush first!

Cao Pi: But why? I mean, we're obviously superior to them, right?

Jia Xu: Yes, true, but it's worth noting that they're not as weak as they look. Especially with guys like Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang, Sun Quan, and Lu Xun, not to mention their geographical advantages, bringing these 'pests' down would be really difficult, and I don't think we've got someone here who can stand up to them. And besides, these two are currently battling against one another, so our best course is to simply watch the thing unfold and see what happens.

Cao Pi: Huh. Is that so?

Jia Xu: Hm?

Cao Pi: I mean, I've already sent three armies against Wu, but now that you're telling me NOT to-

Jia Xu: WHAT?! You've already sent them?!

Cao Pi: Uh…yeah…I mean, I don't think they'll fail, faced against a puny, small kingdom like that. What chance they'll stand?

Jia Xu: Oh…god…not this again….

Liu Ye: But Your Majesty, Jia Xu's right! You shouldn't go attack Wu now, especially now that they've gained a massive morale boost after Lu Xun's recent victory!

Cao Pi: Lu Xun? You mean that lame baby-faced shota jailbait? Pffftt. Seriously.

Jia Xu: Your Majesty, let me warn you once again: this will NOT end well for you! Did you not learn from your own father?!

Cao Pi: SILENCE! When I tell attack, they will attack! Enough! I'm sure soon enough they will bring us glorious victo-

A messenger: Your Majesty!

Cao Pi: Whoa! What? What's the hu-

A messenger: Cao Ren has been defeated by Zhu Huan!

Cao Pi: Wait, wha-

A messenger: Your Majesty!

Jia Xu: Another one?!

A messenger: Cao Zhen and Xiahou Shang have been defeated by Zhuge Jin and Lu Xun at Nanjun!

Cao Pi: What?! How can thi-

A messenger: Your Majesty!

Liu Ye: Oh, god…

A messenger: Cao Xiu has been defeated by Lu Fan at Dongkou!

Cao Pi: **widen eyes and dumbstruck** ….

Liu Ye: …..

Jia Xu: ….. **slowly moves closer to Cao Pi and whispers** ….I. FUCKING. Told you.

 _Yeah….to add even more twist to the irony, this was also the first and the last advice Jia Xu had ever given to Cao Pi after he became Emperor, because Jia Xu passed away at August 11th, 223. His eldest son Jia Mu became his heir, and his son, Jia Mo, became a prominent general during the Jin Dynasty, and HIS sons Jia Yin and Jia Kan, as well as their cousin Jia Pi, all held important offices in Jin._

 _So, from what we've seen so far, what can we use to describe someone like Jia Xu?_

 _True, because of some of his…controversial decisions, people are in general split in their interpretations of him. Some view him as a wicked traitor who was willing to sacrifice lives of innocents just for the sake of his own, while some view him as a practical man who did what he could do to simply survive during such chaotic times._

 _But, it just seems that everyone can agree that Jia Xu was brilliant. Every single strategic move he made was done with utmost perfection, and never did once he make a single mistake in his entire career. Whenever someone did not listen to him, they could be expected to run straight into a disaster. Such intelligence, combined with his ruthlessness, definitely made him into someone you would NOT want to fuck with._

 _Say all you want about Jia Xu, but it's undeniable that he was certainly one of the most interesting and intriguing people at the time. A man who began his career serving the paragon of evil, before bringing the LI Jue and Guo Si into imperial power. Nevertheless, he still went to jump from lords to lords before sticking with Cao Cao and his son Cao Pi for the rest of his life. A life journey full of twists and turns for someone who didn't even lead an army._

 _Undoubtedly, his legacy continued to transcend time and generations, giving birth to countless fictional re-interpretations, all with a variety of historical faithfulness. His practicality, strategic brilliance, and wisdom made him one of the respected people of this time, where people would praise him and laud him as one of the greatest tacticians who have ever lived._

 _…..unless, of course, if you're Sun Quan._

Sun Quan: Woo-hoo! Man, look at the awesome army I have! Haha, with such people at my side, nothing can stand in my way!

Lu Xun (let's just pretend that it really WAS Lu Xun who told this): But still, Cao Pi still has very capable people around him. Don't let your guard down.

Sun Quan: Really?

Lu Xun: Yes! He has Jia Xu as his very own Grand Commander!

Sun Quan: Jia….Xu? ….pfftttBWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Everyone: ?

Sun Quan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Jia…XU?! Seriously?! Bwahahahahahaha….oh, come on! I bet the only reason why he even CONSIDERED choosing Jia Xu was solely due to his help in the succession crisis. Blah!

Everyone: …..

 _….yeah._

 **THE END**

* * *

WOO-HOO! YAY! I finally finished this! Man, 15 chapters in such a short time….or maybe I THOUGHT it was a rather short time…I don't know, I just felt time passes rather quickly whenever I'm writing this…haha…

Anyways! Thank you so much for reading this until the end, please leave a review and have a good day!


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